The most worrying thing seeing your parents trying to hook up other people, intervening their personal lives, is that they will finally get me. I regard their behaviour as being nosy, they think they are helpers. The latest 'victim' is my 30 and above cousin in China, she's tall, wears glasses, works at the tourism industry. My parents happen to know some random guy, 164cm of height, with the rest being confidential information.
This is not the first time they 'care too much'. I remember how they used to sway my other cousin into going out with a girl who comes from a wealthy family. Seriously, going out 'cause of someone's got lots of money is the saddest thing I could ever imagine that happens to people.
Some female friends of mine used to tell me that, when they choose guys, their ability to provide, their financial situation, count some parts. I used to nod and pretend I agreed 'cause that's what I do to avoid disagreement. But in fact, when you met your love at the first sight, getting to like someone because of all sorts of reasons other than money, you won't need to have such expectations. I think we take it for granted that some 'pre-historic' ideology of tick-boxes in choosing partner, can replace education, career, and planing your life. I am glad though that most of my female friends have the wisdom not to be swayed into believing this ideology, and work hard for what they are passionate about.
It happens to be Chinese New Year this week. Lots of family gathering and food, which makes me happy.
This blog post is probably one of the most difficult one to write, as I keep getting distracted. Just 5 minutes ago, my stepdad called me saying their car broke down in a petrol station after they pumped the wrong oil, so I called the tow truck for him. I feel bad for them and hate it when misfortunes happen.
Back to Chinese New Year, we went out yumchar with a huge group of relatives, not just gathering as in general, but also trying to sort out stuffs of my cousin's upcoming wedding. Geez, I never realise there is so much traditions to follow through prior and during the wedding. Seriously, if it's my own wedding, it will be simple, not simplistic, but a neat simpleness, as if you wake up in the morning and know you're gonna have a great day, not full of hassles, but with grace. There are lots of moments that tire you down, and I don't want my wedding to be one.
So after lunch, and a long afternoon, and an usual dinner, I just wanted to go home, to sit in front of my computer, reading my latest medical item - "The rise and fall of modern medicine", and making myself a cup of tea. Sometimes the quietest night is the most enjoyable one, or is it the calm before the storm?
News
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
What I Ask
People say that you become wiser as you are getting old, although I have not felt much difference in my maturity for the past 3 years, I somehow began to see things and people more clearly. There is a small group of people that I sometimes hang out with, made up of 4 people from different ethnicities. I like diverse group, because we never run out of stories from our differences in backgrounds. However, I can't help to notice some changes in the past couple of years, something I see but ignore. Just a quick background. These 4 people are named anonymously as A, B, C and D. A is a generic female who likes to play dumb. B is a sweet female who used to go to expensive restaurants, C is a hard-working male with a lot of interesting hobbies, D is someone with depth that you may not be able to see.
I like people to be honest and true to themselves, therefore there was a time that I find the 'quality' (i.e dumbness) of Subject A rather appealing. It is usually funny following some of her unexpected comments and unusual behaviours. But after a few months, I can't help but wonder, is she pretending to be dumb? At first, I laughed at this stupid idea as I believed that no one would want to make so much efforts to pretend someone you're not. But the signs became apparent, the stupid comments A makes becomes a series of questions followed by her, the 'sexual' vibe she gives off, the semi-flirtatious remarks she makes. The more I think about it, the more suspicious I become. It hit me that the first instance my other two very close friends met her for the first time, they told me that she is more sophisticated than what she appears. I hate putting assumption on her, but more evidence told me that my friends were right.
Then what about the one who are truly innocent? Well not 100% innocent, but at least being more trust-worthy. Knowing B for years, she is always honest and fun to be with, except the fact that B likes expensive restaurants and hates Chinese cuisine, she is quite a great friend. But Subject D (B's partner) is someone I'd rather think twice before putting my trust. I mean yeah D is cool but sometimes D doesn't really enjoy my company and sometimes doesn't seem to participate much in our discussion. And somewhere in mind, I still remember what my other good friend told me about subject D (my friend knows subject D for a very long time), that makes me with-hold my trusts on D. I can see where my friend was coming from, everybody can be a bit competitive under stress, but I probably won't lie to give people the wrong impression though. I don't know what is right or wrong, but if it's your true friend, you probably have less risks by being honest. One other thing been bugging me, is that everytime I see D, D keeps constantly dissing about Auckland, how bad this city is etc. At first I felt it was probably because of D's failure of getting into the university here, which trigger D's hatred. But overtime, I feel less sorry for D. As if someone who truly deserves it, would have the maturity to cope with fall like that. Instead, D becomes self-pity. At some level I kind of wonder, if D is trying to make me feel bad about staying here in Auckland, whether directly or not, such inability to consider other people's feeling really worries me that D would be trapped in this self-pity for the rest of his life.
Then it brings us to last subject C, who is a nice person with lots of hobbies. Although I used to admire C's view on servicing to the people in certain community, C's opinions changed over the year, which seems that the whole idea becomes making money. C even twisted my idea about being a advocate for who you service for, into some selfish being who would do anything to get your client ahead, which is obviously not what I meant. So ideologies are different between us, which is fine. But there is some strange on and off fling between C and A that discomfort me, I mean you could go out or something, but C seems to be involved with another subject with great deal of commitment. I mean you've been tattling subject A all along and now you're sleeping together. The more I think about it, the more I question that in modern society, is being respectful over-rated.
2 hours of awkward dinner brings us to the end, at least for me. I can't help but realise something about my relationship with these people had died. If every relationship would come to an end, this is the time. Don't get me wrong, I still wish them the best, but I am not interested in their lives or stories, because every time it would end up being the same thing - some self-pity, apathy, and selfishness. What more would I ask from these relationships if I could? Maybe all over again, I could choose not to be involved.
Then what about the one who are truly innocent? Well not 100% innocent, but at least being more trust-worthy. Knowing B for years, she is always honest and fun to be with, except the fact that B likes expensive restaurants and hates Chinese cuisine, she is quite a great friend. But Subject D (B's partner) is someone I'd rather think twice before putting my trust. I mean yeah D is cool but sometimes D doesn't really enjoy my company and sometimes doesn't seem to participate much in our discussion. And somewhere in mind, I still remember what my other good friend told me about subject D (my friend knows subject D for a very long time), that makes me with-hold my trusts on D. I can see where my friend was coming from, everybody can be a bit competitive under stress, but I probably won't lie to give people the wrong impression though. I don't know what is right or wrong, but if it's your true friend, you probably have less risks by being honest. One other thing been bugging me, is that everytime I see D, D keeps constantly dissing about Auckland, how bad this city is etc. At first I felt it was probably because of D's failure of getting into the university here, which trigger D's hatred. But overtime, I feel less sorry for D. As if someone who truly deserves it, would have the maturity to cope with fall like that. Instead, D becomes self-pity. At some level I kind of wonder, if D is trying to make me feel bad about staying here in Auckland, whether directly or not, such inability to consider other people's feeling really worries me that D would be trapped in this self-pity for the rest of his life.
Then it brings us to last subject C, who is a nice person with lots of hobbies. Although I used to admire C's view on servicing to the people in certain community, C's opinions changed over the year, which seems that the whole idea becomes making money. C even twisted my idea about being a advocate for who you service for, into some selfish being who would do anything to get your client ahead, which is obviously not what I meant. So ideologies are different between us, which is fine. But there is some strange on and off fling between C and A that discomfort me, I mean you could go out or something, but C seems to be involved with another subject with great deal of commitment. I mean you've been tattling subject A all along and now you're sleeping together. The more I think about it, the more I question that in modern society, is being respectful over-rated.
2 hours of awkward dinner brings us to the end, at least for me. I can't help but realise something about my relationship with these people had died. If every relationship would come to an end, this is the time. Don't get me wrong, I still wish them the best, but I am not interested in their lives or stories, because every time it would end up being the same thing - some self-pity, apathy, and selfishness. What more would I ask from these relationships if I could? Maybe all over again, I could choose not to be involved.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Transition
You know how you are stuck in an awkward position that you don't have any choice except wait and see. That is what I am feeling of my research project, as everyone that matters to the project are currently on annual leaves. It has been a slow going research as the 1st half of my holidays is to sort out the ethics approval, which just happened before the Christmas. But time flies and I have less than a month before the university starts. I won't be able to collect enough samples during this time frame, unless I stay on the project and organise alternative.
Seeing the children at the clinic again is the highlight of my week, and the registrar Richard is such a nice person and he taught me a lot of the clinical examination findings in these children - breathing efforts, harrison's sulcus, crackles etc. This experience make me even more looking forward to the clinical runs in the hospital.
Everything could be changing, like the friends you used to hang out with. Since I moved to West Auckland, I haven't seen them once. You lose some, you gain some. I found out that Chris is moving to a Sunnyvale, a suburb near mine. So I guess moving away from my comfort zone give my a chance to live near the others.
This year I need to find a part-time job, because I am saving for my dream - moving to a new place after I graduate. I keep it a 'secret' just now as to where I want to move to, although my close friends all know. I think a part of me gives in, do not want to hang around this place anymore, as if it is over for me. I know it is just because I haven't been traveling much during the last ... God knows how many years, therefore I feel a bit exhausted from here. But a part of me also want to see how far I can make it, towards my goal, despite not knowing whether I will make it.
Seeing the children at the clinic again is the highlight of my week, and the registrar Richard is such a nice person and he taught me a lot of the clinical examination findings in these children - breathing efforts, harrison's sulcus, crackles etc. This experience make me even more looking forward to the clinical runs in the hospital.
Everything could be changing, like the friends you used to hang out with. Since I moved to West Auckland, I haven't seen them once. You lose some, you gain some. I found out that Chris is moving to a Sunnyvale, a suburb near mine. So I guess moving away from my comfort zone give my a chance to live near the others.
This year I need to find a part-time job, because I am saving for my dream - moving to a new place after I graduate. I keep it a 'secret' just now as to where I want to move to, although my close friends all know. I think a part of me gives in, do not want to hang around this place anymore, as if it is over for me. I know it is just because I haven't been traveling much during the last ... God knows how many years, therefore I feel a bit exhausted from here. But a part of me also want to see how far I can make it, towards my goal, despite not knowing whether I will make it.
Monday, January 09, 2012
Resolutions
I had like 2 years of resolutions madness, making a list of things I want to do in the new year. However, more often I found myself never achieved any of them, or tried to do all at once at the end of the year. So I haven't written down any new year resolutions, vaguely having a few in my mind. So I write them down here: 1. Be more competent in my clinical skills; 2. study usmle; 3. find a suitable 5-hour weekend part-time job AND save some money (at least some!!); 4. fix and sell my scooter; 5. learn to be a writer; 6. do some hikings. That's all I have in my mind.
New year does bring some new opportunities. I was asked by my friend to contribute articles to a bi-lingual magazine which is mainly sold in China. The things I am writing about mainly concern with the health system in New Zealand. But I may do some learning on journalistic writing and my aim is to write some 'stories' from my clinical experience in this up and coming academic year. I may even interview some patients and ask for their permission to write some reflective pieces based on their stories or experiences. But I need to ask for my mentor's opinion though as I don't want to stand in the way of other health care professionals or put myself in some grey legal areas as a medical student and a writer.
I know I am not a good writer, not even close to being one. But hopefully I can start learning how to do better now so that I can prepare for the future. The sun finally comes out today in Auckland, WORST SUMMER EVAR!! Hopefully 2012 means a new start for me, emancipate from the past.
New year does bring some new opportunities. I was asked by my friend to contribute articles to a bi-lingual magazine which is mainly sold in China. The things I am writing about mainly concern with the health system in New Zealand. But I may do some learning on journalistic writing and my aim is to write some 'stories' from my clinical experience in this up and coming academic year. I may even interview some patients and ask for their permission to write some reflective pieces based on their stories or experiences. But I need to ask for my mentor's opinion though as I don't want to stand in the way of other health care professionals or put myself in some grey legal areas as a medical student and a writer.
I know I am not a good writer, not even close to being one. But hopefully I can start learning how to do better now so that I can prepare for the future. The sun finally comes out today in Auckland, WORST SUMMER EVAR!! Hopefully 2012 means a new start for me, emancipate from the past.
Friday, January 06, 2012
New Year's Eve
In this New Year's Eve, I did not go to downtown for the firework displays; instead, I visited a friend who came back from Japan and he held a barbecue party at his pool house in East Auckland. It was great to have a few drinks and jump right into the pool after 12am, although I might have caught a cold the next day. It was moments like that when I looked up at the sky and saw the stars, and realised how little we were.
Many are talking about how 2012 is going to be the end of the World. Bad omens appear all over the place: 25 cows, tones of birds and fish died in different places over these several weeks. Despite scientists have different theories as to how these mass animal death happened, the fear is within many people still. But if we know we are dying someday, what would be the difference if it is going to be in 2012? Is it the fear of knowing when it will happen? Or is it the uncertainty of how it will happen?
I had been fearful of death especially when I was a teenager. I guess I was too bored, sitting at bed and thought of what would happen at the moment of my death, and what afterwards. I even imagined the Earth is falling apart as scientist suggested it would eventually get "swallowed" by the Sun. And then what? What's afterwards? I guess I am so used to the idea that things are continuous, that one day, I may be too scared to face the fact that somethings are exceptional.
Of course now I kind of come to terms with death, and putting my focus on the immediate surroundings. It is sad that sometimes we just keep working towards something, but not exactly sure if we will get there or drop dead. It is the risks you gotta take in life.
I slowly get used to living in the new place in West Auckland, despite the painful goodbyes to where I spent 7 years growing up in. I even blamed my parents and other family at a dinner for the ordeal I needed to go through. But after a few weeks, I realised when I stayed in the same place for a long time, I became lazy towards a lot of things, putting them on hold, or on the side and never face them. It is when I dig out all those memories and reminders and wrecks of my 'previous life', that I realise deep down I want to get things sorted and start fresh.
Be honest, 2011 wasn't the greatest year of my life, not even close to being one. Lots of things happened and it is the first time that I actually want the time went by as soon as possible. But does new year necessarily mean things would be different, the problems will not exist and the conflicts will resolve? Or is it that as soon as the new year arrive, we put aside what's left over from the previous year and pretend it was never a part of our life, only when many years have gone and you finally pick up the guts the face it?
I think just for now, I will do what I could for those that I have control over. The rest, I would trial and error until I give up. And for the most untouchable treasure, I will leave it just for now.
Many are talking about how 2012 is going to be the end of the World. Bad omens appear all over the place: 25 cows, tones of birds and fish died in different places over these several weeks. Despite scientists have different theories as to how these mass animal death happened, the fear is within many people still. But if we know we are dying someday, what would be the difference if it is going to be in 2012? Is it the fear of knowing when it will happen? Or is it the uncertainty of how it will happen?
I had been fearful of death especially when I was a teenager. I guess I was too bored, sitting at bed and thought of what would happen at the moment of my death, and what afterwards. I even imagined the Earth is falling apart as scientist suggested it would eventually get "swallowed" by the Sun. And then what? What's afterwards? I guess I am so used to the idea that things are continuous, that one day, I may be too scared to face the fact that somethings are exceptional.
Of course now I kind of come to terms with death, and putting my focus on the immediate surroundings. It is sad that sometimes we just keep working towards something, but not exactly sure if we will get there or drop dead. It is the risks you gotta take in life.
I slowly get used to living in the new place in West Auckland, despite the painful goodbyes to where I spent 7 years growing up in. I even blamed my parents and other family at a dinner for the ordeal I needed to go through. But after a few weeks, I realised when I stayed in the same place for a long time, I became lazy towards a lot of things, putting them on hold, or on the side and never face them. It is when I dig out all those memories and reminders and wrecks of my 'previous life', that I realise deep down I want to get things sorted and start fresh.
Be honest, 2011 wasn't the greatest year of my life, not even close to being one. Lots of things happened and it is the first time that I actually want the time went by as soon as possible. But does new year necessarily mean things would be different, the problems will not exist and the conflicts will resolve? Or is it that as soon as the new year arrive, we put aside what's left over from the previous year and pretend it was never a part of our life, only when many years have gone and you finally pick up the guts the face it?
I think just for now, I will do what I could for those that I have control over. The rest, I would trial and error until I give up. And for the most untouchable treasure, I will leave it just for now.
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