Jian's Blog

When the Sun Goes Down

2012-01-25T22:48:00.001+13:00

The most worrying thing seeing your parents trying to hook up other people, intervening their personal lives, is that they will finally get me. I regard their behaviour as being nosy, they think they are helpers. The latest 'victim' is my 30 and above cousin in China, she's tall, wears glasses, works at the tourism industry. My parents happen to know some random guy, 164cm of height, with the rest being confidential information.

This is not the first time they 'care too much'. I remember how they used to sway my other cousin into going out with a girl who comes from a wealthy family. Seriously, going out 'cause of someone's got lots of money is the saddest thing I could ever imagine that happens to people.

Some female friends of mine used to tell me that, when they choose guys, their ability to provide, their financial situation, count some parts. I used to nod and pretend I agreed 'cause that's what I do to avoid disagreement. But in fact, when you met your love at the first sight, getting to like someone because of all sorts of reasons other than money, you won't need to have such expectations. I think we take it for granted that some 'pre-historic' ideology of tick-boxes in choosing partner, can replace education, career, and planing your life. I am glad though that most of my female friends have the wisdom not to be swayed into believing this ideology, and work hard for what they are passionate about.

It happens to be Chinese New Year this week. Lots of family gathering and food, which makes me happy.

This blog post is probably one of the most difficult one to write, as I keep getting distracted. Just 5 minutes ago, my stepdad called me saying their car broke down in a petrol station after they pumped the wrong oil, so I called the tow truck for him. I feel bad for them and hate it when misfortunes happen.

Back to Chinese New Year, we went out yumchar with a huge group of relatives, not just gathering as in general, but also trying to sort out stuffs of my cousin's upcoming wedding. Geez, I never realise there is so much traditions to follow through prior and during the wedding. Seriously, if it's my own wedding, it will be simple, not simplistic, but a neat simpleness, as if you wake up in the morning and know you're gonna have a great day, not full of hassles, but with grace. There are lots of moments that tire you down, and I don't want my wedding to be one.

So after lunch, and a long afternoon, and an usual dinner, I just wanted to go home, to sit in front of my computer, reading my latest medical item - "The rise and fall of modern medicine", and making myself a cup of tea. Sometimes the quietest night is the most enjoyable one, or is it the calm before the storm?

What I Ask

2012-01-22T12:26:00.001+13:00

People say that you become wiser as you are getting old, although I have not felt much difference in my maturity for the past 3 years, I somehow began to see things and people more clearly. There is a small group of people that I sometimes hang out with, made up of 4 people from different ethnicities. I like diverse group, because we never run out of stories from our differences in backgrounds. However, I can't help to notice some changes in the past couple of years, something I see but ignore. Just a quick background. These 4 people are named anonymously as A, B, C and D. A is a generic female who likes to play dumb. B is a sweet female who used to go to expensive restaurants, C is a hard-working male with a lot of interesting hobbies, D is someone with depth that you may not be able to see.

I like people to be honest and true to themselves, therefore there was a time that I find the 'quality' (i.e dumbness) of Subject A rather appealing. It is usually funny following some of her unexpected comments and unusual behaviours. But after a few months, I can't help but wonder, is she pretending to be dumb? At first, I laughed at this stupid idea as I believed that no one would want to make so much efforts to pretend someone you're not. But the signs became apparent, the stupid comments A makes becomes a series of questions followed by her, the 'sexual' vibe she gives off, the semi-flirtatious remarks she makes. The more I think about it, the more suspicious I become. It hit me that the first instance my other two very close friends met her for the first time, they told me that she is more sophisticated than what she appears. I hate putting assumption on her, but more evidence told me that my friends were right.

Then what about the one who are truly innocent? Well not 100% innocent, but at least being more trust-worthy. Knowing B for years, she is always honest and fun to be with, except the fact that B likes expensive restaurants and hates Chinese cuisine, she is quite a great friend. But Subject D (B's partner) is someone I'd rather think twice before putting my trust. I mean yeah D is cool but sometimes D doesn't really enjoy my company and sometimes doesn't seem to participate much in our discussion. And somewhere in mind, I still remember what my other good friend told me about subject D (my friend knows subject D for a very long time), that makes me with-hold my trusts on D. I can see where my friend was coming from, everybody can be a bit competitive under stress, but I probably won't lie to give people the wrong impression though. I don't know what is right or wrong, but if it's your true friend, you probably have less risks by being honest. One other thing been bugging me, is that everytime I see D, D keeps constantly dissing about Auckland, how bad this city is etc. At first I felt it was probably because of D's failure of getting into the university here, which trigger D's hatred. But overtime, I feel less sorry for D. As if someone who truly deserves it, would have the maturity to cope with fall like that. Instead, D becomes self-pity. At some level I kind of wonder, if D is trying to make me feel bad about staying here in Auckland, whether directly or not, such inability to consider other people's feeling really worries me that D would be trapped in this self-pity for the rest of his life.

Then it brings us to last subject C, who is a nice person with lots of hobbies. Although I used to admire C's view on servicing to the people in certain community, C's opinions changed over the year, which seems that the whole idea becomes making money. C even twisted my idea about being a advocate for who you service for, into some selfish being who would do anything to get your client ahead, which is obviously not what I meant. So ideologies are different between us, which is fine. But there is some strange on and off fling between C and A that discomfort me, I mean you could go out or something, but C seems to be involved with another subject with great deal of commitment. I mean you've been tattling subject A all along and now you're sleeping together. The more I think about it, the more I question that in modern society, is being respectful over-rated.

2 hours of awkward dinner brings us to the end, at least for me. I can't help but realise something about my relationship with these people had died. If every relationship would come to an end, this is the time. Don't get me wrong, I still wish them the best, but I am not interested in their lives or stories, because every time it would end up being the same thing - some self-pity, apathy, and selfishness. What more would I ask from these relationships if I could? Maybe all over again, I could choose not to be involved.

Transition

2012-01-13T17:59:00.000+13:00

You know how you are stuck in an awkward position that you don't have any choice except wait and see. That is what I am feeling of my research project, as everyone that matters to the project are currently on annual leaves. It has been a slow going research as the 1st half of my holidays is to sort out the ethics approval, which just happened before the Christmas. But time flies and I have less than a month before the university starts. I won't be able to collect enough samples during this time frame, unless I stay on the project and organise alternative.

Seeing the children at the clinic again is the highlight of my week, and the registrar Richard is such a nice person and he taught me a lot of the clinical examination findings in these children - breathing efforts, harrison's sulcus, crackles etc. This experience make me even more looking forward to the clinical runs in the hospital.

Everything could be changing, like the friends you used to hang out with. Since I moved to West Auckland, I haven't seen them once. You lose some, you gain some. I found out that Chris is moving to a Sunnyvale, a suburb near mine. So I guess moving away from my comfort zone give my a chance to live near the others.

This year I need to find a part-time job, because I am saving for my dream - moving to a new place after I graduate. I keep it a 'secret' just now as to where I want to move to, although my close friends all know. I think a part of me gives in, do not want to hang around this place anymore, as if it is over for me. I know it is just because I haven't been traveling much during the last ... God knows how many years, therefore I feel a bit exhausted from here. But a part of me also want to see how far I can make it, towards my goal, despite not knowing whether I will make it.

Resolutions

2012-01-09T21:33:00.000+13:00

I had like 2 years of resolutions madness, making a list of things I want to do in the new year. However, more often I found myself never achieved any of them, or tried to do all at once at the end of the year. So I haven't written down any new year resolutions, vaguely having a few in my mind. So I write them down here: 1. Be more competent in my clinical skills; 2. study usmle; 3. find a suitable 5-hour weekend part-time job AND save some money (at least some!!); 4. fix and sell my scooter; 5. learn to be a writer; 6. do some hikings. That's all I have in my mind.

New year does bring some new opportunities. I was asked by my friend to contribute articles to a bi-lingual magazine which is mainly sold in China. The things I am writing about mainly concern with the health system in New Zealand. But I may do some learning on journalistic writing and my aim is to write some 'stories' from my clinical experience in this up and coming academic year. I may even interview some patients and ask for their permission to write some reflective pieces based on their stories or experiences. But I need to ask for my mentor's opinion though as I don't want to stand in the way of other health care professionals or put myself in some grey legal areas as a medical student and a writer.

I know I am not a good writer, not even close to being one. But hopefully I can start learning how to do better now so that I can prepare for the future. The sun finally comes out today in Auckland, WORST SUMMER EVAR!! Hopefully 2012 means a new start for me, emancipate from the past.

New Year's Eve

2012-01-06T11:33:00.003+13:00

In this New Year's Eve, I did not go to downtown for the firework displays; instead, I visited a friend who came back from Japan and he held a barbecue party at his pool house in East Auckland. It was great to have a few drinks and jump right into the pool after 12am, although I might have caught a cold the next day. It was moments like that when I looked up at the sky and saw the stars, and realised how little we were.

Many are talking about how 2012 is going to be the end of the World. Bad omens appear all over the place: 25 cows, tones of birds and fish died in different places over these several weeks. Despite scientists have different theories as to how these mass animal death happened, the fear is within many people still. But if we know we are dying someday, what would be the difference if it is going to be in 2012? Is it the fear of knowing when it will happen? Or is it the uncertainty of how it will happen?

I had been fearful of death especially when I was a teenager. I guess I was too bored, sitting at bed and thought of what would happen at the moment of my death, and what afterwards. I even imagined the Earth is falling apart as scientist suggested it would eventually get "swallowed" by the Sun. And then what? What's afterwards? I guess I am so used to the idea that things are continuous, that one day, I may be too scared to face the fact that somethings are exceptional.

Of course now I kind of come to terms with death, and putting my focus on the immediate surroundings. It is sad that sometimes we just keep working towards something, but not exactly sure if we will get there or drop dead. It is the risks you gotta take in life.

I slowly get used to living in the new place in West Auckland, despite the painful goodbyes to where I spent 7 years growing up in. I even blamed my parents and other family at a dinner for the ordeal I needed to go through. But after a few weeks, I realised when I stayed in the same place for a long time, I became lazy towards a lot of things, putting them on hold, or on the side and never face them. It is when I dig out all those memories and reminders and wrecks of my 'previous life', that I realise deep down I want to get things sorted and start fresh.

Be honest, 2011 wasn't the greatest year of my life, not even close to being one. Lots of things happened and it is the first time that I actually want the time went by as soon as possible. But does new year necessarily mean things would be different, the problems will not exist and the conflicts will resolve? Or is it that as soon as the new year arrive, we put aside what's left over from the previous year and pretend it was never a part of our life, only when many years have gone and you finally pick up the guts the face it?

I think just for now, I will do what I could for those that I have control over. The rest, I would trial and error until I give up. And for the most untouchable treasure, I will leave it just for now.

The book of love

2011-12-24T23:06:00.001+13:00

"The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It's full of charts and facts and figures,
and instructions for dancing"

Today I left my stepdad, an ordinary man with extra-ordinary amount of acceptance, tolerance and strength. 8 years of knowing his unconditional love to his family, I saw a man with a sacrificing spirit that is stronger than his physical limit.

I grew up in his care, from the age of 15 to 23. Not only these years contained most of what I have in my memory bank, but also the most hurtful, cheerful and unforgettable incidents. Sometimes I ran back home with the grudge against the outside world, but he never forced me to tell him what happened - he saw me, he knew it, and he did what he always do, continued tidying up the table, mopping the floor, and cooking the meals. Because deep down he knows that as long as he looks after me at home as if I am his biological son (to some extent exceed what he did for his biological son), I would come to terms with the tough outside world by myself.

We don't fight often, maybe more often at the beginning. But we somehow get to know each other like father and son, naturally over the 8 years. The most memorable is the 1st year I moved into his house and I was Year 11 at Penrose High School. One night for some strange reason (that I can't clearly remember), something non-specific and non-sense, we fought. I remembered I left the house and lived in my friend's house for a night. I was desperate and cannot see any future with him in the house. But then for some unknown period of time, and unknown reasons, I walked back home and we started talking. In fact, as we fought less and less over the years, each time even if we did fight over some mindless stuff (mostly my faults), we just forgave each other in a day or two without holding grudge. It is as if fights got us know each other more and accepted each other more.

He is a man with lots of misfortunes - what happened to his 1st wife, what happened to his elder son. He is a man with lots of tough experience - how he was treated when he was little. I regret not to ask him more about his early life. A couple of years ago his younger sister, his only close relative, died. His tears then were exactly the same as the ones ran down his cheeks today when he said goodbye. He is a lonely man - sometimes just too lonely. My guilt of not being able to live under the same roof is killing me. He knew I was busy during weekdays and he never asked me to do anything for him, not even driving him to the closest supermarket; instead he walked under the sun with his little pushing trolley and brought home the most ordinary vege and meat for dinner. But now think back, it tasted extraordinary for reasons stated.

I remember just half a year ago, something bad happened to my immediate family. As soon as I got off the emergency phone call, I collapsed and broke down in tears, was too weak to stand up. He came and kept asking if I was alright. My words were too jumbled together to be clear. But he knew something bad had happened. Think back now, if I was to live alone, and something that bad happened to me, and broke down on the floor knowing I might be losing everything in sight, that pain would be worse than having a family like him supporting me.

After 2 years of Penrose High School, I decided to change to a better academic school - Pakuranga, for my year 13 pre-uni study. Only a great man like my stepdad willing to move everything he has with me, to a place 25 minutes away, further from all the major supermarkets, humiliated by the landlords and neighbours, purely for the sake of my benefits.

The more I think about the past, the more I miss it.

My stepdad, is the most honest, decent man who taught me more than my father ever did. I saw a tough man in him through all these years of misfortunes and loneliness. Although I left him today, I hope one day when I am capable, I could do the same to someone I love.

I am no longer aware of how others live their selfish little lives, because my stepdad, he lives for his family, and that is all I need to know.

Freedom is the State of Mind - Stories from the Others

2011-12-02T19:03:00.001+13:00

Often we have no control over what is going on around us, the situation thus brings us hopelessness. But at times when you come across stories of others, how they are coping and thrive, you will be put into perspectives. Here are three stories that I saw on media, the people involved not only show us the genuine nature of humanity, but also inspire us to keep our hope.

The man from the picture above named Heine Braeck, a 33 year-old Norwegian. He lost his right arm after an accident at the age of 13. Since then he was weary of his stump-like wound. A tattooist designed a dolphin tattoo to match his wound. Now it looks as it is shown on the picture. What a brilliant job!

In fact I found a website after googling, for some positive symbols associated with dolphins. These include resurrection, generosity and power.

This story told us a lot of the times, a small inspiration can change your perspective on something you used to be weary of. As I grow up, I find daily living can be so routine and lack of excitement. Only when I sat down and reflected on the people I met, a collective of memory of things that happened over the years, I realise I've come a long way to now - being able to start on a career that I am passionate about. It's a matter of holding on a perspective.

In fact, every life is a miracle. An amputee shown in the picture above, was practicing her drawing. This little girl comes from Peru. Her strength and spirit inspired me to confront difficulties that I encounter in life. Maybe sometimes all we need are a little bit of faith, and a little bit of confidence.

At last, this lady named Ximei Liu, resided in Hunan Province. She is the founder of a local refuge for AIDS patients. Herself has AIDS, and she understand the prejudice and isolation that AIDS patients face in China. Her aim is to provide a safe place for AIDS patients to make friends, to share hobbies and live a normal life.Her story not only reveal the deep burning issue of social prejudice against AIDS patients, but also a lack of support from the governmental bodies. Yet Ximei provides an excellent example that the solution to the issue lie in the heart of the people.

In fact all these three lives, convey a basic but complex side of humanity that we all wish that one day, through our experience, will discover or encounter. I truly admired them for their courage, strength and optimism, and much thankful for their inspirations. Because no matter how some people I encounter may disappoint me, some others will bring me hope.

November Is Gone, Summer is Here.

2011-11-30T19:53:00.001+13:00

Although this is not the brightest decision of my all time, having 7 teeth extracted surely gave me a hell of troubles over the past week. I have been bored by the daytime television, and the lack of motivation to achieve anything academic. My project is on halt as we are waiting for the ethics approval. And I am paranoid by the risk of developing 'dry socket', constantly looking into the mirror searching for the 'dimples'.

One of the highlights of this month was the catching up with my high school friends on two occasions. First on the Guy Fawke's day, we went to the lagoon to set off some fireworks and to the club afterwards. Second one was at our friend's house, we had a barbecue and Sing Star marathon. It's amazing how little have changed over the years. And because of that I felt a bit sad. As I expected more changes over 8 years, good changes. But it seems we are out of luck. Charles is right, as you grow, you realise how little life really change. It is the dullness that you have to settle for.

Friendship

2011-11-21T22:01:00.001+13:00

I just started watching "How I Met Your Mother" ("HIMYM"), and saw how the friendship among the main characters evolve through their dating lives. This reminds me of "Friends", yet not in exactly the same way. First the characters in "HIMYM" have different personality from those seen in "Friends". Barney is especially noted for his notorious theories of dating and relationships. Lily and Marshall are the sweet couples with some elements of honesty and trusts on other people. Robyn is the independent not-yet-wanna-settle kind of woman who yet achieve what she wants in her career. Ted the narrator has some innocent attitude towards love which always dictate his decisions. Although these decisions did not always lead to desirable outcomes, his passion sometimes bring him very close to finding true love. Second "HIMYM" seems to be more reliant on the storyline which revolves around the dating lives of main characters, and they sometimes have continued on what's left behind from the previous episodes, their feelings and the decisions they made.

So it brings to me the question about my own friendships with others. I remember every time when it comes close to exam time, I was meant to argue with at least one friend. Not sure if that's because of my stress levels or what, I became easily agitated when I felt being a push-over or slightly betrayed. I wish argument would resolve easily just like in "HIMYM" or "Friends". In fact I can't remember having close friends for more than 5 years. The ones who used to be close (are still good friends but) rarely share each others' lives anymore. It kind of changed when I moved onto a new stage in life, from high school to university, from my B.Sc to Medical degree. I grew up more as I moved into a new stage, met more different people. Yet it gets harder and harder to reconnect with your old friends. As I keep establishing new 'best' friendships, I always wonder how long things can stay unchanged at the presence.

Mind Boggling

2011-11-14T17:06:00.001+13:00

Just an hour ago, I met someone looked rather familiar and said hi to him at Maccas where I was supposed to help my stepdad for some of his personal business. He recognised me too and said hi to me. We had like a 5-minute conversation and exchanged our numbers. Then after I said bye I was overwhelmed by how familiar he looks but could not think of any clue how, when and where did I meet him. I was kind of certain that we worked together somewhere, but I had no idea whether it's BK, pack'n'save or foodtown. Worse I don't even know his name, well not until he gave me his business card.

I wonder if this thing happens often, meeting someone you knew but had no idea what that person was. I am really frustrated in front of my computer right now as I still cannot figure out! Maybe next time I'll be honest and say, "you know what, to be honest I forget how we met." then give an apology. I rather have that 5 minutes of shame rather than hours, or maybe days of frustration like what I am feeling right now. Please light bulb, it's your time to shine T.T

The one that got away

2011-11-13T22:58:00.001+13:00

Just finished watching Katy Perry's new video for her newest single 'the one that got away', and quite liked the whole story-telling thing. It starts off with Katy being an old 'Granny' and walked into her fancy mansion after a trip. Her husband asked her how it went, but she grumpily answered it, showing that she ended up with someone she did not love. Then the video was her sitting, lying, reminiscing her past with another man, who was an artist. A majority of the nostalgic recall of her past consists of a series of memories, including giving each other inspiration for their art works, stomping into parties etc. Then it turned into a series of changes, conflicts and arguments. It ended with the man leaving Katy, and died following a tragic accident. The last moment of the video was the 'old' Katy drove to the site where he died and connected with his ghost.

This video makes me wonder if for everybody, there is someone that got away, someone who could've been together with you but ended up not, leaving you regrets and memories of the past. I kind of regard these memories as my momentum of moving forward to the future, as I can't go back to the past, or expect miracles to happen now. But what if there's not much choices. As the video points out that we as adults, had less and less opportunities, and you might have to settle for whatever that cannot replace what you once felt.

Clean

2011-11-12T20:51:00.001+13:00

For those who don't know me, they would have no idea how much labour inputted to make my room clean. I have to admit I am not the most organising person in the World, hence my room is always full of clothes, books, documents all over the floor. This leaves myself not having friends in my room and not able to walk about either. But today it changes, after discussing with a friend yesterday about the possibility of moving out of my parents' I think it's about time for me to learn being organised and clean. So in the morning I went to the mall and bought an office chair (I don't have a proper chair to sit and do work, hence always go to the campus to study), and a replacement power cord for my mac (damn, it's expensive). Then I came home, had a big lunch so that I could have the energy to carry out the big clean up. Be honest this morning my mood was quite bad, maybe 'cause I was tired from over-sleeping. But then after God-knows how many hours of clean up, I am now happily sitting in my new office chair, and room to have my mac sitting on the table. :D

But regarding me moving out, I am still deciding. My friends are really nice and I am sure it'll be my fortune to flat with them to start with. But then I am scared of those conflicts between flatmates that I heard about from other people who flat. The last thing you want is to break up your friendships you know. Other thing is finance. I really need to save and not spend money the way I do now, not even an office chair! to be able to scrap pass the budget.

But anyway, God-knows what's happening when my stepdad's son come to New Zealand. All I could wish for is to have things sorted the way with the least troubles. It's going to be a challenge. But I am ready (with my nice clean little room).

23

2011-11-03T00:55:00.002+13:00

I always see people playing the number's game: at 16 you got your driver license; at 18 you got your pass into the club and liquor store; at 21 you set out a new pathway into your career; but what about 23?

In fact every year has been different for me, although I do not really celebrate my birthday, not like an extrovert person would do. Not much reason not to throw a party, except have no money, and no energy to do so. But that doesn't mean I don't value another year of experience.

In fact this year marks the end of my pre-clinical training, which means I will be a clinical student next year! Somehow I feel so ready for it though, it's like all you've been waiting for is that moment when you find meaning in what you learn and do.

But there are things that haven't changed, I still have no one, still live in a over-moulded house, still don't know how to cook, still haven't read half of the books sitting in my bookshelf, still a mega mess in my room, still can't play guitar properly... The list of dissatisfaction can go on forever. But I feel ready for what's coming ahead of me: moving house, going to work in a hospital, admitting patient, facing potentially very scary charged nurse and death etc. It feels as if life is not supposed to be perfect, and instead it keeps you wanting things, gaining things and losing the rest.

This year has been tough, with all the drama, surgery I went through, it was surreal. There were times I was so lost that I did not even know what I was doing with my life! Thank God I learnt to take a moment and reminiscing my high school years. Man, aren't those the best years of my life.

So can I attach anything in particular with the number 23? I failed to do so terribly, because there were just too much things, and too many special people this year. I feel like I am transitioning into a new phase in my learning, so that might make my 23 the end of another era? But just for now, it's the end of my exams and I am enjoying my holidays :D

24 Years

2011-10-24T11:56:00.000+13:00

It was the final for Rugby World Cup 2011, and was All Blacks' 1 point lead resulted in New Zealand receiving the Webb Ellis cup instead of France. It seemed to be a steady start with millions of anticipation. The first try by All Blacks lived up to the expectation and inserted a ripple of momentum among the crowd on Queen Street, Auckland.

Yet after several misses of penalty kicks and players such as Cruden got injured, it was clear that the way to success was rough. The breath was taken away when France got a try, and its conversion. I felt my radial pulse through the roof as if my heart was in arrhythmia. Stephen Donald's winning kick was key to the game - it was the only hope and no one could predict what was going to happen.

Slight relief when the penalty kick went pass the pole and hope was lifted up again. But it got more and more tensed-up as France continued their attacks and controlled most of the territory. It felt as if we were the under-dog, and there might be a small portion of the game that we were. But endurance was also key to the game - All Blacks' spirit and strength. The moment the whistle went off was the moment the World around us changed, to celebrate the new world champion.

It was an unforgettable night as I had met so many people, too many to remember all of their names. But each of their faces stayed in my mind. We all told each other our stories that made us who we are. This made me realise life may well be a big screw up, despite you may have a rich parent, you may have been back on track after losing your soul, or you may have forgiven yourself from your sin. But life is also a miracle as that ripple of momentum went into crowds watching the final. It was the spirit and strength that got us through.

Muammar Gaddafi finally kicked the bucket

2011-10-22T23:13:00.002+13:00

Despite New Zealand is currently anticipating the Rugby World Cup Final this Sunday, many people still talked about the death of Muammar Gaddafi - dictator of Libya. His rather dramatic down-fall came about months ago, when the 'rebels' started riots in Libyan towns and cities.

I remember the time when he spoke on the local television how he would resist any opposition from the 'rebels', but just moments before he was killed, he begged the revolutionaries not to kill him.

It is always sad to see people die, whether they are good or bad people. I was stricken with sadness when Gaddafi's son and grandchild were killed in the previous military actions. It was sad of what he did to his own people, and nothing could excused him from his wrong-doing. Yet I could imagine he grieved for his own children, believing part of him was still a human.

Just knowing the fact that he begged for his life, I realised no matter how much power you once had, you were as vulnerable as any others if fallen.

Sometimes I wonder how politic was invented? As a seemingly nice and bright young scholar wanting to make a difference in others, may well become a greedy, cynical politician. If politic is ugly, who has the key to unlock the less ugly side of it?

As I am looking at the picture (below) of Gaddafi's blooded body lying lifelessly, being taken photos by people holding their gadgets. Some (or many) were in joy, some looked 'fascinated', and some looked rather indifferent. Nobody know whether this was the end, as the domino effect of revolution is yet tumbling down the next dictatorship in Syria. The death of Gaddafi was nonetheless very significant, being the first dictator killed in the series of unrests. But maybe a part of me felt indifferent as to his death was simply a symbol of revolutionary success by the 'rebels', and a life being taken away.

Warning: picture may be too graphical for some readers

Before Sunrise

2011-10-20T23:51:00.000+13:00

Two people, walking along Vienna and talking about their lives, became sointimate so soon, that they could not wait to see each other again at theirfarewells. Celine and Jesse wereexactly these two people. They met on the train by chance and started a peptalk that might have happened uncountable times to each of us. Yet both of themtook a bold step, to do what they always wanted to do – get away fromrestraints and boredom of the reality.

“I want to take a picture, so that I won’t forget you, and all this.”
“Me too.”

It is amazing how they wereable to share their views, emotions and personal stories despite only met for avery short time. It is indeed very hard to find someone who you instantly feelin synch with. I remember somegood friends of mine, who I never talked for more than 5 minutes with, suddenlybecame very in-synched with each other. I wonder if it is because we weretaught when we were little, that you should never trust someone unless you knowthem. And time is usually the proof of it. Yet every step they took and everyother passer-by suddenly became all-relevant – they got closer and closer, justlike best friends reunion.

Dandelion

2011-09-28T22:08:00.000+13:00

"Leprosy is an infectious disease that has been known since biblical times. It is characterized by disfiguring skin sores, nerve damage, and progressive debilitation."
- PubMed Health
Today we saw a patient with leprosy. It was very hard to describe, as we had never seen such presentation before, not even our tutor. We were told to describe the hands of the patients. It was almost disfiguring, fingers all clumped towards the palm, with obvious lack of movements at the distal joints. We were more shocked when we saw the the feet - one amputated and the other very disfiguring. At this stage, my headache was no longer the primary occupying matter on my mind. I realised how debilitating this condition must had been.

What amazed me more was the patient's kindness. He was talkative, optimistic and very open to students like us. One student said:"it just made you day when you had a nice patient." The tutor said:"this patient was probably one of the nicest patient he's ever seen." What amazed me was the simplistic nature of humanity shone from this patient. He was such a funny man, made a practical joke on one of my colleagues. He was a loving man - when asked if you're given a pen, what could you write; he simply looked at his wife and said - "I could write I LOVE YOU." Before we said goodbye to him, he wished us all the best for our study and kept his big wide smile the whole time. His voice almost made me losing all the nervousness I experience in the ward, from my inexperience and the uncertainty of what's going to happen. Maybe medicine showed me the worst side of being a human, nevertheless it also showed me the best.

Embrace My Sleepless Night

2011-09-27T22:31:00.000+13:00

Be honestly, I haven't felt quite right lately. That kind of anxiety complex of mine. What if I am a over-sensitive person? Sometimes I tell myself to make my decision and don't look back. Yet I regretted the way I reacted to some situations sometimes.

What if people just don't care? That's always the question I hold in my mind. Some friends just don't like to reply you, simply 'cause they don't care anymore. Some just don't really have anything in common to talk to, simply 'cause we all changed from time to time. Am I super-sensitive towards this kind of things?

I am currently having some strange episodes of fatigue, indigestion and mild headache for the past few days. It could be a bad flu. It is just so annoying that as you start picking up the motivation to carry on, the sickness kicks in. Being sick make me realise sometimes all you can wish for is being well and feeling right about yourself. Sometimes I worry if that's lost one day, what will it be like? This is the question probably could describe hundreds of patients at the ward. I am looking forward to tomorrow, but anxious about myself not well enough to handle the work.

Under-coverage of Occupy Wall Street

2011-09-27T19:46:00.000+13:00

Out of the blue, there is a piece of "news" thrown in my face - near thousand of people protested in New York for 2 weeks, with the possibility of police violence. At first I was in disbelief, thinking if it's been 2 weeks why no one here in New Zealand had heard anything about it. The lack of coverage from major media was just shocking. Only up until yesterday, there was some coverage at ABC News website and so the others. But in New Zealand, yet any coverage had been seen on tele or newspaper. When I talked to my friends about it, they were all oblivious of what had been going on in New York. Therefore using this post, I want to give a shout out to the people being under violence by NYPD, that your injustice is known to many of us despite the big-coporate media decide not to document it. They are not true journalism. Your stories are reported by those who care, and I wish you all well despite the pulling, spraying and macing from NYPD. God blesses you all. Below are couple of images of the protesters.

How been lately

2011-08-07T19:50:00.000+12:00

Yay, one of my best friends from college graduated on Friday. Sadly I couldn't go to the ceremony because I had classes. I went to the dinner instead, which was in New Market. I met a lot of high school class mates who I haven't seen for awhile. Some found a new job, but some were unemployed. Among them, Danny is the most funny guy. He pretty much cracks you up with whatever he says. He's currently working for an immigration agency company. Somehow I feel that his humor and optimism come from his past bad experience. He went through a lot in terms of family and relationship. I saw a little bit of sadness in a fraction of seconds in his expression, before he quickly covered it with his laughs. Helen was the one graduated. She had a bad breakup with her boyfriend who she was with for 3-4 years at least. I remember we used to hang out a lot! It is sad that her ex-boyfriend moved back to Guangzhou, and she's on her way for a new start (i.e. finding a new job). Susan is the unemployed one. Her foolishness and innocence always become exploited by Anson and Danny to make fun of her. Yet she never takes it in, which I think it's very great of her. And Ricky the photographer of the day, been helping his friends as always. I am kind of disappointed that we do not really hang out anymore like before - different universities we are going, different social circles we are hanging in, etc. I even had doubts in our friendship as if he was judging me. But at the end, I realise there are people who always gonna be the same, and some will change completely. To accept what's around me, is pretty much to accept the fact that some people don't come as close to me as before.

Untitled

2011-07-29T22:45:00.000+12:00

hypocrisy |hiˈpäkrisē|noun ( pl. -sies)the practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one's own behavior does not conform; pretense.

Damage

2011-07-17T21:43:00.000+12:00

Relationships with the loved ones can be taken for granted, especially your family. I have always felt guilty towards my long term exploitation of my parents/stepparent, yet to be honest to your loved ones is always so hard. There's a tradition in my family - we are expected to help each other without holding back. I felt blunted on my manner, and I'm never honest to admit the guilt to them. Things have gotten worse, things start falling apart. Sadly it doesn't hold the family together. Does it mean we can't pass the test? You know how people say there's calm before the storm, but we never calm. There's always fights and silent regrets. Most angry at myself is that all I learnt from the past years couldn't even apply on myself. We done the damage and we run away. Is that what we are best at doing? I am sometimes too afraid to make a change. But there is no reason for me to be afraid, is there? I want changes, but sometimes blinded by the reality around me.

Tomorrow is gonna be the first day of semester two. But too much things had happened in past months, there's nothing can lower than this low. My family again try to resolve their problems without really resolving it, lying to themselves that things between everybody is cool. I again sitting in my comfort zone and regretted the damage I've brought. Can't it be a better start? I know it's us, it's only human factors that could brought such things. Sometimes we thought we're so smart that we're dumb enough to put ourselves in such helpless situation. Usual start of the semester means a new start of everything. But when everything fails to resolve, there's no such new start for me. Instead I will walk in school with such conflicting thought that I don't even know what my future is heading - away from everything. Yet there's no runaway if there's only one earth. The reality follows, the damage has been done.

Kick Off (4) July; 'Let Go'

2011-07-08T21:32:00.001+12:00

Holidays, no holidays. Because of the paper I need to fix for peer review, this holidays is indeed a 'working-hoidays'. I don't mind as long as I have friends to hang out with, places to go, good food to eat, etc. Yet it's scary how fast it can go - now only 1 week left, I am desperate to spend some time away from Auckland.

I'm glad Tiff comes back from Melbourne, as I really miss those time us and Felipe spent at the Long Bay. I told her that a lot of stuffs, mostly bad stuffs that had happened in semester one - the surgery, the family problem, etc. They just ran over my head.

Somehow when I think back on semester one, I realise I put on too much stuff and lose the opportunities to enjoy stuffs that I used to enjoy doing - reading novels, hanging out with friends. And most scarily I started to lose focus on my study, to learn what's more important to my career.

This July, don't know, I think I will definitely try to put back my focus on things around me. And as my desperate attempt to getting out of AKL, I talked to Tiff and thought it would be good if we can do some road trip to Wellington, and may visit some friends on the way. But again, desire higher than plan. Nothing has fallen into place as it's only been 4 hours since the idea was raised.

I definitely will recharge for next semester if I can get away. To let go some of the bad luck and bad memory, I made some changes in my routine - instead of spending too much time on internet, I should read some good books, instead of being obsessed with the past I deleted part of my collected memory and focus on the future.

From May to June (a series of photos)

2011-06-20T08:50:00.000+12:00

Hide Me From Reality

2011-06-15T00:48:00.001+12:00

It's in the middle of Winter, I am cold and stressed for exams. I have one more exam to sit before my "holidays". Sadly from next year my holidays will be getting less. Gladly I will learn something practical as a med student.

Funny how our lecturer says if you look up DSM-IV, you would certainly find a disorder for yourself. The most difficult thing about psychological disorders is that we don't know much about it - it's not like flu which has a root cause and it's more abstract and holistic than a simple biomedical approach (not like we know much of the biology behind the cause anyway). One of the purposes of the guidelines is to differentiate those "clinical" (i.e. deviated from "normal") psychological states from the rest, and give clinician guidance regarding who to treat, and how.

There is no doubt that psychological disorder is everywhere, especially in our modern society - so much information, so much stress and so little time. I remember before some of the most stressful times in my life, I was so depressed (not clinically), had so many fights with my parents over such little things. Or my fear of height, fear of elevator, and paranoia about Auckland driver every time when I cross the road. I even wondered if I had some OCD, anxiety + depression personality complex that should be diagnosed. Yet I bet everyone will go through a phase like this in their lives.

I mean you ought to get out of reality once in a while right, 'cause the reality is so harsh - there is no free lunch, you have to work hard, you may have bad luck, and you may not get what you want in the end, etc. What I found troubling in myself is that sometimes I'm just too attached to things - people, past & presence, regrets, tones and tones. None of them is helping me in any way. Yet that's what kept me awake at night and reflected about.

I remembered when I was 5, I listened to those children radio about taking a rocket into space (ironically I am scared of height when I'm a grown up). Things were so magical, I imagined just the way the commentator was describing and truly took myself million miles away (told ya' the 90's was good.). Although I know there's no comparison should be made with a 5-year-old. What I'm saying is that I lost the ability to let go things and let myself loosen up as I grew up. I felt like the more I know, the smaller the cubic that I'm trapped inside. Just like study, you keep repeating the same thing, except try to forget.

Back to basic, there's no doubt I am trying to hide from the reality, picturing a different story in my head. No wonder why my friend said I was rather 'unique'. I might be stung by it once before, and again but I won't give up asking myself - 'what if...'. I still believe in miracles.

On the Other Side

2011-05-30T00:39:00.000+12:00

The first song I heard by John Mayer was 'Your Body is a Wonderland'. Just recently, it is my stressful time coping with tests and commitment, John Mayer's therapeutic music seeps into my brain to relieve me from being strained. I googled his first single ever, and found 'No Such Thing' which was released before 'Your Body is a Wonderland'. I absolutely love that song from the beginning as it was like telling my story back in junior high.

The hardest thing being a teenager for me was that you knew everything around you was changing but you didn't know how to cope with it. My family was broken apart and instead of running for a safety net, I drifted between being 'sticking with my walls' and 'fine, let time tells the story'. I felt like I never actively engaged into making decisions to make myself happy. It was a rather passive 8-year course of life. I mean I am still the same to a certain extent, it kind of made me who I am.

I used to be so innocent about people and failed to recognize the bad kind. Like there is always a reason for me to encounter them, some are relatives, the others are friends. I felt like I didn't stick out for myself. I settled for whatever was given and let others stepped over me. I always felt like under someone's shelter instead of my own. I don't want to beg other people for living a happy life.

Somehow I am feeling a bit scared as I am looking at the past, it's always the past that got you. But what about the future, as I am also a bit scared of tomorrow. I may have to make a life-changing decision. And despite the past passive aggressive 10-year of nothingness, when you stand on your feet and face all these responsibilities and decisions, you kind of missed having someone deciding for you. The fear of, don't know, anything really. I hate myself for not living a perfect life in a perfect word. Yet deep down I know it's not perfectness that I am pursuing. It's harder, something miraculous.

No matter what, I am tired just by looking at the schedule of next few days. Maybe being busy can lessen some of the anxiety of mine. Or maybe I could rush through the decision-making and let life takes its own course, if only a good one which sadly isn't guaranteed. 'Something better on the other side'.

What The Future Holds

2011-05-11T21:34:00.000+12:00

Today is not a typical Wednesday, but worse. You know that fatigue you experience in the middle of the traffic, in the middle of the week, pretty much in the middle of everything? I am glad I finish early today though, as I get to hang out with friends at the City Campus.

The conversation I had with the E.N.T surgeon hovers over my head for the rest of my day - 'cause it comes down to the question:" What do I want to do with my life?". She is so smart, she pretty much has medical licenses from everywhere (HK, Malaysia etc.) and she got such a good mark at USMLE. She told me to do USMLE to keep my option open, but at the same time told me that the system in States is not a favorable one for doctors who want to enjoy life a little more. She did her elective and selective at Yale, Harvard, etc. and her comments can be, though in her own perspective, very indicative of what it's going to be like working there. Especially there is a good chance I will have my long term practice in New Zealand which doesn't recognize the training scheme in the states. Hence she said if I want to have some change in environment I should look at other country like the UK. Plus getting a working visa in the states can be difficult. She said if I get the J-1 visa, I will need to return to my home country straight after training. But if my country doesn't recognize such training, why would I even bother?

She also spoke of her choice as an E.N.T surgeon - she loves surgery but somehow it is too demanding. Well, it's not that I am into any specialty at the moment, but I wish I have some ideas of what I want to become. Life will be so much 'easier' if I can decide on what I am passionate about and build my experience aiming towards it. But if you ask me what am I wanting to be, I can't even give a single idea.

The good thing Medicine brings to you is options. We love having things to choose from. But only in cases where you know what you want. Maybe because of lacking clinical experience, I haven't got to know what is it like to be working as a certain type of doctor. Even if I am passionate about something, it may eventually be influenced by the choice of lifestyle I want to adopt. I am conflicted between 'a busy life where I meet a lot of interesting people, having all that amazing cultural experience, and a rewarding career' and 'one that I can live comfortably by the ocean to enjoy time with people who are important to me, spending time with them, having those family moments that I felt lacking when I was child.' I know if I head towards a workaholic I will regret for the rest of my life, 'cause I really want to experience different sides of life. At the same time I don't want to give up the potentials I see in myself utilizing what I have to make a difference.

I guess all I can do is to relax and meditate to take my mind away from things, things that I've stuck for way too long. No matter what the future holds, where my passion lies, what I will choose to do with my life, I am desperately wanting to move on. If there is a light at the end of a tunnel, I need to see it now.

It's a Perfect Day

2011-05-05T00:11:00.000+12:00

"Its a perfect day

The coolest breeze

Not a cloud in the sky

casts a shade on me

Colours shining bright

Oh, Its so surreal"

These were the lyrics playing in my head as I was walking from visiting my mum in the hospital to my friends' graduation at city campus. Last year I had so much in my own graduation, nothing much that I did other than spending time with family and friends, yet it was one of the happiest days of my life. Therefore I've been thinking for quite a while that how would this graduation be special for my friends? I kind of think a graduation gift with funny cards would be quite good. And it went well, people signed up very quickly to chip in the resource and efforts. Although the last few days didn't end up being the best, mainly because of pressure from various organisations and lagging behind in my study timetable.

But today I felt so refreshed in the morning. The rain finally stopped! The cool breeze and the Sun made the temperature just right. I was several minutes late for my lecture, that didn't kill my day. Instead I finished early (earlier than I was supposed to) and went to see my mum straight after. She was sick for several days, and hasn't eaten anything because she has to wait for the doctor to decide the diagnosis. I think every health system has its drawback, in New Zealand, it's probably the lack of in-depth training for junior doctor and lots of waiting time for patients. Sometimes staying in the hospital itself other than the illness, can be a torture itself. When I arrived my mum was taken for a CT scan, which took an hour. Therefore I went straight to city.

My friends just finished the marching as I bumped into them in information commons. I gave them the gifts and cards as expected. They were really happy. We chatted about random stuffs for the next couple of hours until most people turned up. The main event of the day (for this group) was to have lunch at the Mexican Cafe at Auckland CBD. The food was really nice, I had Chicken Tacos with beans and rice. It was such a fun lunch as people were all socialising. So the lunch went exactly how I wanted it to be - everyone enjoyed it. (well, except jack's sister if I am to be honest). But anyway, I'm sure she's happy for her brother and got to know his friends (and how weird they are).

So after the lunch, and people dissipated, we went back to Albert Park for some intense phototaking. Sorry I don't usually put pictures with my friends' faces in it as I need to get approval from each of them, which at this stage I can't be bothered to do. And plus it will be probably safer to stay in private album anyway. But yeah, at the end of the day, I was so tired as I was walking back to the hospital to check on my mum. All she saw was me lying down on the chair, yes on a hospital chair. And eating biscuits as I was hungry too. But it was such a good day, and I would never forget how from feeling being a nobody to now being surrounded by all these wonderful friends. SUCKER! TEENAGE! :D

Kick Off (3) May

2011-05-01T20:47:00.000+12:00

With less amount of work per hour per capita, this semester seems to be longer than last year's. I started to enjoy 'studying' - instead of memorising the facts and figures, I do extra reading for relevant knowledge. At the end, I am not studying to just pass the exam, but studying so I know what I am talking about.

It's been an enjoyable semester, as I started to adapt for the missing close-friends who gone off study in other countries and cities. People come and go, that's just the rule of life. Thanks to the modern technology that we can still talk to each other through other channels, despite the absence of shared life experience.

I have also caught up some some old friends during the two week break, friends from high school. I haven't seen them for such a long time. It made me sad somehow that those people you used to share your life with, not long become a big part of your life. But the memory is still there, as we chatted about our rebel high school stories, the facts and the myths. It still felt like yesterday that I walked in the school gate and was ready to start a new life. It's amazing that 5 years since I left the school gate and I am living a completely different life, seeing people I met at the university.

I am quite happy today because I got the place for the NZMSA (New Zealand Medical Student Association) 2011 conference. At first I thought my application was declined partly due to my unimpressive application. It is surprising for me to know that I was still wait-listed. I am very looking forward to it as I have never been to a conference and this would be a great opportunity to hear some amazing speakers, including Prof. Charles Teo, the Aussie neurosurgeon who's featured in the published book "life in his hands". I also got to live in a hotel and have some night out with some of my colleagues at fancy restaurant. Most importantly I got to participate in Student ASH stall, which can potentially bring more members into the organisation.

Despite the Autumn rain is washing over Auckland relentlessly, the piles of leaves blown towards you as you walked on the windy street, I never feel so fulfilled and clear on what I am doing and this May, is going to be very different from the others.

Easter Break

2011-04-26T08:08:00.000+12:00

Here's the chronological sequences of what's happened in the past few days :D

facebookism

2011-04-20T19:47:00.002+12:00

Recently I've decided to quit facebook. I haven't deleted it, as there might be some minimal value for its existence. But I already stop logging in and checking newsfeed etc. I had a big catch up with Lexy several days ago, and we shared some of our paranoiac and embarrassing facebook moments.

Well, let's admit, facebook is a great tool of stalking someones. As freaky as it sounds, I bet majority of facebook users have tried to search for someones they are not 'friend' with - your mate's mate, your crush, or just some random people you know only by names. This is particularly embarrassing for me as I used to go into other people's pages and check their profile even we are not friends with each other. I feel particularly pathetic for doing so as I no longer felt the necessity to physically meet someones before you can know everything about this person. The amount of time I spent on facebook (which is quite a lot), maybe 10% of the time I am clicking into random people's profiles. I mean only since the appearance of facebook, I started to realise my stalking habbits.

The other thing I did A LOT on facebook was to check newsfeed, which does not even filter what's useful or not. So I end up spending 60-70% of my time looking at things like "the drama I am watching has such a twisted ending", "I hate my ex", or even more random like a line from a song's lyrics, or some strange humour. I mean there's some level of variety and bizareness which might make your day more interesting. But it is also very dangerous to over spend your time and atttention on it.

Speaking of spending time and attention, facebook random games is the greatest revolution for procrastination. I mean not until my 'relationship' with facebook that I realise I could collect rents from virtual city, collect vegetables from virtual farms and feeding virtual pet or people for HOURS! If there is a PhD thesis written about facebook, it should investiage why people can be so obsessed with these games. Is it some kind of addiction? And what the heck cause such addiction?

After not logging into facebook, I experienced several days of withdrawl - the idea of logging in and checking what other friends say on their walls, whether someone posted something on mine etc. But that's just making me feel quitting is more needed, as the obsession and addiction already subconsciously eating up my mind. And these few days without facebook, I slept early and felt stressless, no baggage and nothing to collect from virtual city and farms, have extra time for some reading and chatting with friends. Therefore the benefits outweigh the risks.

But the reasons I don't delete facebook account are I know there are always some people who can only be connected there, and I don't wanna lose such channels, many events invitations are now sent to guests in the form of facebook events, and to monitor whether there's picture of me tagged somewhere somehow. So here's the end of my facebook expedition, not the end of the world.

Iranian Restaurant Photos

2011-04-20T19:23:00.000+12:00

Last time I mentioned an Iranian restaurant I went with a bunch of friends, here are some photos taken there.

Walk On

2011-04-15T21:50:00.000+12:00

I am so sorry for not updating my blog for more than a month. Since school started in March, the past 6 weeks were really busy for me. I helped organising some events on top of my own study. Plus I got into hospital two weeks ago and went through a surgery on my back, which I am recovering well from. Because I was sick during the test preparation time, I worried that my performance would be very disappointing. Gladly when I receive my mark, I did not as bad as I thought. Maybe I am one of those people who are over-anxious about things not turning out the right way around.

It is so right that med student can be extra conscious of their own health because of what we learn. Like I feel dizzy sometimes before and after lunch, and my immediate though would like something like diabetes or cancer. But maybe 99.9% of the time, it's just I didn't have a good breakfast. I am so glad my family doctor - Dr. Chan being so tolerant of me complaining on this and that.

Recently there are lots of sad news. Firstly the Christchurch Earthquake that claims hundreds of lives, and the city too. It's heartbreaking to see how such a garden city turned into rumbles, people bled from falling concretes. At the same time, it's heartwarming to see people helping out each other with no hesitation. Not long after there was a monstrous Earthquake in North-East Japan with a magnitude of 9.0, led to a devastating tsunami which claimed more tens of thousands of lives. One of the aftermaths, the nuclear plant cooling system failure and leakage still capture the attention from all around the World today. Closer to my home, 2 medical students passed away in the past month, one was in T.I (trainee intern) and one was a 5th year American student. They are so young and have such a bright future. It's just so scary for me to realise life can be just opportunistic as such. One of my best friend's family member passed away a week ago. I drove their family over to the hospital during the last moments. Although the patient already passed away when we arrived, the sadness that surrounds the place really made me choked for tears. Especially seeing the kids and elderly, how they miss their family but know there's nothing can be done - letting life take its course. World's oldest man passed away today too, my favourite quote of his is - "we're born to die". Maybe he's right, there's nothing we can do about it, it's a natural phenomenon and all we could do is to deal with it, and walk on. Maybe after expressing my condolences and gratitude to the deaths, I will feel a bit better.

Anyhu, Easter break is coming, there are two things I may do, the Easter show, and Engineering revue. Yesterday I dined out with a bunch of friends at a fancy Iranian restaurant. It was such a fun time and it reminded me again of Felipe's family dinner last year, how a crowd of family and friends sitting around a big table chatting and laughing, handing over each other dishes of food. If life can stand still for just that fraction of moment, it is moment like this I want to remember.

Kick Off (2) March

2011-03-02T22:41:00.000+13:00

Grammys, Oscars, blah blah blah. They are the two big names causing much fuzz in the Hollywood. In fact I'm a fan of both. Well, kind of. Grammys collection 2003 was one of the first CDs I bought with my own money. The winner of Oscar best picture is always a must-watch (well I appreciate most of them except 'No Country for Old Man' - I really didn't get it). I haven't paid much attention to the Grammys for the last couple of years though, mainly due to lacking personal expectation on my own favourite singers to win anything. Many people think judge panels from both 'gold-standard' awards hold different 'taste' from the majority. From picking 'The Hurt Locker' for Oscar Best Picture last year to this year's Grammys' 'who the heck is Esperanza Spalding' & 'Archade Fire, huh?'.   Both awards are based on the nomination and voting by the academy members. Therefore, the nominated and awarded artists are acknowledged by the professionals themselves. There is always celebration as well as disappointment in the public. Like this year, Justin Bieber didn't win the best new artist, and so did not Eminem win any of the big 4 awards at the Grammys. Much appreciated by most people was the Oscars this year, because 'The King's Speech' won best picture as well as best actor in leading role by Collin Firth as expected.

The start of new semester is more busy than I thought. I finished the studentship report on time, but still has the manuscript to be submitted. I am actually keen to get it over and done with tonight. The whole summer studentship experience was great this year. The people I worked with were really nice. And I was very happy with the results I got. As I am involved in student ASH and PIG, the orientation and planning of upcoming events have me using my brain other than studying from textbook (not like I've done any lately). It's only now I realise how important it is to organise your time well, as when there are multiple things going, you have to start prioritising them and put different amount of time accordingly.

One other thing I did was Uniguide. It was superfun this year, as we did the amazing race. Our team won the 3rd place and got a little prize. We only got 6 students during the orientation but it was proven to be easier to manage. We didn't lose anybody and the main messages were sent through easier. It is quite sad that it is my last year being a uniguide before the start of my clinical years next year. It will be a great memory for the many years to come.

So there are two main papers I will study this year - Nervous system and reproductive biology. Because of my undergraduate study in reproductive biology, I have a stronger background in repro. What I worry about is nervous system, as brain is one of my undergraduate weak subjects. Other than normal papers, I am doing the research option with Mr. Mike Shepherd at the paediatric emergency. I am doing some readings this week and will start to be inducted next week. Quite excited about it as the project is rather clinically-oriented.

State of Emergency

2011-02-23T13:28:00.000+13:00

Please make donations to Christchurch Earthquake Appeals by methods suggested in follow page:
http://tvnz.co.nz/national-news/christchurch-quake-appeals-launched-4038581
God blesses you all, people in Christchurch.
All NZders got your back and would help you through this nightmare.

St Valentine's Dead?

2011-02-15T01:12:00.007+13:00

This year's Valentine's seems a bit different from the past - media has been mostly focusing on the anti-Valentine's movement. In Belgorod, Russia official events celebrating Valentine's day is banned this year. It is followed by comments made from the Russian Orthodox church on ways Valentine's submerged their culture and traditional values, especially its ability to encourage 'irresponsibility' among lovers. After you scroll down the linked page there were also a bunch of readers' thoughts on how Valentine's has promoted American culture over Russian culture, and therefore should be dismissed.

I found another webpage that shows even greater extent of resentment toward Valentine's than the Russian. It started off with the truth behind Valentine's, depicting its way promoting consumerism, antagonising the singles, and eating up the humanity. It also contained a section called 'Truth about love' attempting to summarising a person's love life. I find it particularly funny about the 'baggage attached with love', saying how you will need to make compromises, weakened your personality, smothering, losing, lowering etc. what nots in life.

There are also other pages with or without intentions to diss Valentine's day, some the pretty boring forum where the thread with most reply is answering 'where you come from', some giving a anti-Valentine's day guide in NY for the singles, and some linked Valentine's with herpes. Regardless of what you might think of Valentine's, some people really need to calm down.

I can't remember when I started to know about Valentine's and how - maybe one of those TV dramas made in the colonial Hong Kong. For developing country like China, Valentine's does grow its popularity particularly among the youth just like the way Christmas does. So I wouldn't disregard the possibility that some Russian viewers' comments may contain certain level of 'truths'.

Regarding Valentine's leads to irresponsibility and changes people's values, I am not quite sure. I mean relationship is an important step leading to marriage. And one of those romantic moments will lead to a memorable relationship. Hence why disregard the pros, and suggesting the cons without convincing evidence.

On the other hand, I mean people do shop for gifts, flowers and chocolate to celebrate their relationship on the day, but that does not mean they won't do it if Valentine's doesn't exist. Maybe there is certain elements of Western culture that tend to turn festive seasons into a shopping list, but for individuals the shopping and gifting constitute only a fraction of the meaning of Valentine's (i.e. people do look forward to gifts, but is that the only thing about being festive?).

Some people argue that true love is more than one Valentine's day, as everyday should be just like Valentine's day. Well, yes love can be expressed in millions other ways. But we need 1 Valentine's partially because of the routine of love we show to our partner, there is some sort of milestone to recognise if we are to keep the relationship stronger.

Then what about the singles, does Valentine's disregard the singles. Some people say they feel victimised and sort of dissed during Valentine's when he/she is surrounded by couples. But isn't it again a self-esteem issue? I mean if feeling great about being single is to be celebrated, then why would we give a fuss about Valentine's. I mean I spend Valentine with friends and family just can be as much fun as the others. And if I need to feel 'pathetic' being single, then even without Valentine's I will feel so whenever I see a couple down the street making out. Does it mean they shall not make out 'cause the act antagonise others?

So 'To Valentine's or not to Valentine's', it all depends on yourself. If you feel like having a fun time whether you are single or not, go ahead and celebrate the day of love - love for your lover, friends and of course family. And if you don't feel like doing so, that's totally fine. Just as much as not trying to make Valentine's a big fuss, maybe we shall spend more time with our loved ones instead of scrutinising every single festive moments for reasons to be against it. At least if you feel like no one loves you, I am pretty sure God will (I'm not particularly religious in any way though). So Happy Valentine's!! :D

p.s. photoblog updated - 'valentines'

8 Years On

2011-02-10T23:54:00.003+13:00

8 years sounds like a long time to you and me. Thinking back now, I can't really remember what I looked and sounded like 8 years ago. There were too many changes during these 8 years.

8 years since the door of Insite in Vancouver opened the door. It is the only open-access facility for people to go in and inject themselves with a cocktail of drugs. The goal of the province-funded program is to reduce harm from injection using shared needles, and wider social and economic costs of drug use. The location of Insite is at the heart of the socio-economically deprived East district of downtown Vancouver. Women or men, prostitutes or robbers. The door of Insite is open to all. The nurses there are on-site, even supervise the process if requests are made. There were a lot of over doses, but no deaths. Early detection and intervention of HIV positive individuals is also a main theme of the program. The expenses of AIDS treatment skyrocketed after the success of the program. Many questioned. Yet what was not taken into the account were the reduction in crimes, the incidence or infection rates of HIV and the wider social costs which were hard to measure. New York Times did a fantastic featured story in their health forum and also a photo gallery of drug users there.

The featured story depicted details of the operations and the local community. The work there is pioneering in many ways - the exemption from the law for the drug users, the extent of impacts in the local community, and the 'proof' that modern medicine can benefit communities that are most in need. Looking at the pictures of the individuals, and their everyday lives. Every aspect was related to drug in the community - crimes, prostitution, deprivation, sickness and death. One lady was 'jugging' in her neck, a guy was smoking cracks in his apartment, an overdose with her friend crying. There is no easy answer.

As I am finishing up my summer studentship, one of my supervisors, Dr. Paynter is leaving from her position at ASH. She is going to take a break before she find the future direction, the change she needs. I am very grateful for her help in my studentship and wish her all the best for her future.

It's changes like this shaped our past and presence. 8 years is sort of a milestone. I came to New Zealand about 7 years ago. I was in China studying at a middle school. Although back in 1st grade at primary I told my teacher that I wanted to become a doctor, I didn't really think it would come true at least for the next 14 years. During my late primary and early middle schools, lots of other things evolved in my family and it was bittersweet. I really didn't know where I was heading in my future.

For me, the past 8 years was more about being patient. Looking at other people, having what I used long for - their computer, the internet they have at home, the good education they received at good schools, the travels they were talking about, and the friends they were constantly surrounded by. It was a dreadful wait for me to have a tiny fraction of what they had. But at least it's happening now - I know what I want and I am moving a step closer every day.

Maybe Insite was life saving in a different way. Some doctors or medical students probably don't even agree. The politician and the ministry probably would think it's a 'dark-hole' for money. Yet it's also been a dreadful wait for the Eastside Vancouver community to see the change. If there's a better way, who doesn't want to ride along. In the end, the heart of medicine is still the heart of people.

p.s. photoblog updated - 'light at the end of a tunnel'

Kick Off (1) February

2011-02-05T09:34:00.003+13:00

After the last day of my studentship yesterday, my summer is nearly coming to an end. There are a 3-week holidays ahead of me. There were plenty to do though - the cover letter for submitting my manuscript, the fixing up of its content etc. It's been a great experience working at ASH (action on smoking and health) NZ. The ASH team is passionate in the health of the community. The environment feels like a small family.

Student ASH is up and running, the first thing to organise is promotion of Student ASH at Faculty and AUMSA Orientation during late February and early March. There are many other ideas regarding the events we're going to put out, mainly smoking cessation workshop, speaker, movie night etc. The final decision remains to be discussed at our next meeting. Hopefully Student ASH can push for some changes in medical and health students perspective on public health and smoking.

Another interesting organisation that is going to be running is PIG - Paediatric Interest Group. Many people asked if I am interested in paediatric - well... I am, but not exclusively paediatric. One thing good about medicine is the zillions of choices lying in front of you and you don't have to decide until a couple of years after you start clinical attachments.

There are quite a few things exciting this year - my research option and the possible publication of my studentship project. I received tremendous support from my supervisors, colleagues and friends. My writing skills definitely improved over the summer. Topic of my research option is the use of analgesia in paediatric emergency. Further directions of the project need to be further discussed.

Last few days I went to Brooklyn bar with my friends. There are some real good musicians performing at night. There was Eddie Gaiger last night. His singing and guitar playing made you feel so relaxed. Apparently he's one of the contestants in New Zealand Idol in 2004. And he ranked 6th overall. That's some real impressive achievement.

Maybe it's the pollen season, my rhinitis is getting worse. I don't want to take too many anti-histamines, fearing for the side effects. Despite modern medicine advance, rhinitis is manageable but not always treatable. Especially New Zealand, some claims being the Capital of Asthma and Allergies, everyday life is common with either yourself, family or friends got these conditions.

In the end, I want to send out my best wishes and support to my supervisor Prof. Arroll. I heard he's sick. That's why he couldn't come to the meeting. I feel a bit guilty by bombarding him with emails and my writings. He's energetic. Maybe I never expect someone like him will be sick at all. But hey, doctor is just another human being in the end. Hopefully I can visit him sometimes. He truly inspired me that as long as you're passionate about what you do, it's your mindset that will get you places. He inspired me to be interested in doing academic in my future, at least I want to dedicate part of my career to research. He's got so many publications, each of them is closely related to the benefit of people. He was cited in North & South depression issue a couple of months ago for his research in placebo effects in anti-depressants. He's truely a great doctor.

p.s. photoblog updated - 'what if the world collapses?'

Changes in Jian's Blog

2011-01-31T11:48:00.002+13:00

After some thoughts, there are a few changes I am going to make in this blog:
1. More emphasis is placed on current affairs;
2. More emphasis is placed on health-related topics;
3. Quality>Quantity;
4. Will update less often than now (maybe half as frequent);
5. Each post hopefully can accompany some visual element.

So don't know how this will go but I am really keen to keep this blog going, as it already becomes part of my everyday life :D

The format/routine I will try to keep up with involve a 'start post' at the 1st week of every month, mainly summarizing what's lying ahead of me in terms of uni and life in general. Then once a week there is a post focusing on a health-related, a current affair-related, or simply just things that are happening around me.

Was It Too Personal

2011-01-31T00:22:00.000+13:00

So apparently my friend who saw my blog the other day said the content was too personal and suggested me to take it down (referring to 'I Dreamt'). I have to admit sometimes, yes, some posts were mere reflections on my thoughts at that time. It was not my intention to bring out personal stuffs, but simply did so because of the atmosphere and mood I was in. Like 'I Dreamt' for example, it wasn't that I really cried. But it felt so in my dream. Is it dangerous to write some personal stuff in the blog, of course it is. And maybe I have under-estimate the risks of what I have been doing all along.

So I'm stucked now. Should I change the content completely into health-related issues and abandon this blog? Or should I continue writing whatever as long as I do not overshare too much personal insights?

ISAAC Symposium

2011-01-27T22:44:00.000+13:00

I Dreamt

2011-01-26T06:32:00.003+13:00

It's 6am in the morning, and I woke up from a bad dream - I was a heart-broken teenager, crying for the loss of time. I could have done so much more, I told myself. I miss those worry-free days when sitting in a history class was supposed to be fun (largely because of my teacher, she's awesome). I miss walking through the Ellerslie Bridge, went to school after rush hour, and finished school before rush hour. I miss those chances when I could have participated and made my teenage years so much more fun.

I kept going to the same bus stop, at the same time. I kept going to the same dairy shop after school time. I was foolish and innocent. I couldn't understand the basis of my action, except the fact that I liked someone. That seemed to sum up my life story, always falling stupidly. But this, I didn't regret. Although it has casted a huge shadow over what I did for the next 5 years, or maybe even now, it was a milestone of some sort. It was an event that I only want to lived once, but defines my teenage years.

I still had that pair of Chucks I wore 7 years ago. I still wear them sometimes. Nostalgia hit my sensory system every time I pass that bus stop. What great years they could have been.

It's 6am in the morning, and I woke up from a vivid dream - I was once a heart-broken teenager, looking for love. I could not have done more, except to stop myself from falling deeper. I still missed that foolish smile we gave to each other, and that awkward silence. Maybe my teenage years were a bit different from what I saw from T.V, or maybe they were just the same as everybody else. All I know is they are my history, and there's nothing I can do to change it. Time has moved on, but what about me?

p.s. my photo blog is also updated with a corresponding theme to this post :D

VOTE!!

2011-01-19T23:30:00.000+13:00

Please take a minute to vote Philip Morris for the

'Public Eyes Award 2011' at:

http://www.publiceye.ch/en/vote/philip-morris/

Photoblog Updated!! - 'The Book of Love"

2011-01-17T18:09:00.001+13:00

http://jianli6am.wordpress.com/

Being Simple is Good

2011-01-17T00:22:00.000+13:00

After I went back to work, things started to get more intense. Mainly the results of my study I am currently having some issues with. I can't find much about 'log pseudo-likelihood', of which determines which function/formulae can fit the data distribution better. Guess what, nothing I've found explain how to interpret such indication. Only have 4 days till my final presentation, I'm nervous that if I keep stucked on this stage I will not have much work to present, making a fool of myself.

Otherwise, life's been good. I went to play pool with friends a couple of times. One of them was followed by a late visit to maccas and stayed there chatting till 4am in the morning. Then 2 days ago Felipe had a barbecue, invited Chris, Shane and 2 other girls. I finally get to meet Shane as Chris talked of him a lot when he was at the exchange program at USA. He invited me to his birthday this coming Saturday which I was at first anxious about, 'cause I only know Chris and Felipe there. But it can be a good opportunity to meet some new people. Plus can get to know Shane more!!

Last night I went to Jacqueline's barbecue, yep straight after Felipe's at the day before. Felipe asked me to join the camp, and I was actually wanting to go. So despite the short amount of time I had to pack up my stuff, I managed to make such spontaneous decision with good outcome - it was fun! Well 'cause we missed out the first 2 days of the camp, the only major thing left was the talent show - and there were full of talents, Tango, hip hop, piano, fluke, etc. I was impressed by the atmosphere, 'cause people were really enjoying the time (and so was I!). After a night of good sleep I kind of walked around the camp ground, chatted with some Chilean friends. It was rather relaxing, having nothing to be ahead of you, just hanging around in whatever pace you feel like - read, chat, and listen to music.

When we came back from the camp, we decided to have a movie night with Tiff, James, and Leo. We watched 'Despicable Me'. It was such a hilarious movie. I was choking in laughters when there's a bank guy with a resembling look to Charles. There are also quite a few random moments bear not much meanings but evoke waves of laughters. So yea, it's been a great last couple of weekends, despite the work ahead of me, I feel recharged for the challenge!

p.s. photoblog update in progress

Bad times? Take a deep breath.

2011-01-09T09:35:00.000+13:00

I feel that I have grown a lot from before. I used to give up, real easily. Especially when things don't work out, when friendships all out, and when mis-communication occurs with my family. Maybe there's still a sense of self-defeat that I hardly notice unless when things got bad all together.

Remember the recent New Year's Eve? One disaster followed another. I felt myself being misunderstood by my parent yet I didn't even bother to explain it. Maybe I put too much expectations on them. I always thought they are the ones who know me in and out. The thing is, I am not a kid, as much as I would like to be sometimes, I can be quite unexpected and spontaneous. It is exciting when I spontaneously have a surge of passion to pursue something, but it is a different story when I spontaneously shut down the communication. Plus we don't really talk much anyway, how would I expect them to know what I think.

It feels quite hard to change. I started by teasing things out and think about each of them rationally, instead of under-adrenaline. Standing in their point of view helps sometimes, if my vision is far enough to reach beyond my own. Sometimes you're just so into the corner, thinking about the craziest thing without realize how ridiculous it sounds. But hey, isn't our imagination one of the greatest defense? Somehow after 5 mins of craziness I have to tell myself - "Stop!".

What works the best is to predict the consequence. Like yesterday, I could've stayed inside my own mind and refused to take action. Thinking of the worst scenarios and refused to accept the better. I hate it, the worst scenarios. Why would I always think of them first? I'm glad I dig up the positive side and accept the force was not against you, it's you against yourself.

Boundary Issue

2011-01-07T19:45:00.001+13:00

The line is fuzzy, and I'm feeling like a step from crossing it. Try to tell myself it's not possible. Yet nothing is impossible. All I can do now, is not to believe what might be happening. If the boundary is surrounding you like a circle, how could you avoid it? If I fake it, I lost my sincerity. But if I ignore it, it may grow into a cancer. I'm losing it, but I can't.

Beach, Ocean, Sun, and Run!

2011-01-02T10:31:00.004+13:00

Big thanks to Sahar and Sana, I made it to the beach. I felt sorry to them as I thought I could arrange a car. Yet my dad didn't pick up my phone calls and my stepbrother was rather reluctant on the fact that I may bring the car back by 6pm. I was quite 'emo' for the rest of the New Year's Eve and the morning of New Year's day. Part of the reason is because I have high expectation at beach-going. It's always a fun time with friends when you can forget everything going on within the city.

Anyway, Sahar and Sana borrowed a car from their brother-in-law and picked me up around noon. We hit Long Bay again. Both Felipe and his family are there since the morning. I quickly stuffed some spring-rolls, and fish&chips before I changed into my swimming 'gear'. Felipe, Tiff and I were doing the jumps from each others' shoulders. Despite my numerous attempts, my backflips don't seem to work. Instead, my back felt slashed by the sea water. It was a fresh blast though, even you do get choked by that salty water. Felipe says the ocean in Chile is even more salty, so salty that you can smell it as you drive close to the beach.

Other than swimming, both Felipe and Tiff kicked some balls. But Leo (Felipe's younger brother) and Tiff got some minor injuries from the ankle stomping actions of others. That shows how much passion they put into their games. At the end of the day, we swam for the 2nd time. Walked along the beach and enjoyed the sun piercing through my chilling bodies. I felt so young. So close to what I always feel like when I dream about living in a ocean 'bach'. The laughters of friends echoed into a mental image which never fades. My thoughts and 'emo-ness' came to an end, as I slowing rose from the water, let the waves push me wherever it intended to do so. Maybe this is always what I wanted, freedom, friends, ocean and the Sun.

(p.s. my fav picture of the day is featured in my photoblog [02/01/2011 post - 'Sunset at Long Bay'].)

Anger, what a great start of 2011!

2011-01-01T00:30:00.000+13:00

I hate argument, yet I am a argument magnet. Maybe it's my fault, I don't like explaining my points. Anyway, it was a nightmare. My dad is busy gambling and turns off his cellphone. I called his home and couldn't find him, and texted + called his mobile couldn't find him either. I need a car badly to go to the beach tomorrow. And I asked my stepbrother if I can 'borrow' the car, and he's not sure about me bringing back by 6pm. He thinks it's too late. So I probably will end up having no car and can't go to the beach tomorrow. Under such mental complex, my mom yelled at me on the phone as I told her we're on Princess Street looking for parking, which is about 15 minutes walk from her work. And guess what, I am not the one drove, nor was I the one decide to leave 1 hour before 12am despite my advise to leave earlier. So yeah, no New Year Firework for anybody.

I can't remember if this is the only disastrous New Year's Eve, or shit always tends to happen when you have high expectation and excitement. Maybe because of all these individual incidents adding up to make me less imaginative, less optimistic, and always sticking to the reality. If that's what festive seasons bring me, then screw festivals and celebrations. Sometimes I just need to learn to be on my own. Or sometimes I just need to say what I need to say. But so what, not everybody will listen to you. All I need now is to calm the hell out of myself by lying in my bed and listen to some favorite songs of mine. Ya know what? Screw the new year, and screw your opinions.

Photo Blog!

2010-12-30T21:54:00.001+13:00

Well, don't know if it's my boredom or what, I decide to take on a challenge of setting up a photo blog. Despite the loss of my precious camera, I bought a new one today just for that purpose. Actually I also want to record down all the good times I have with friends and all. So yeah, this blog will be wordy as usual but my photo blog Jano-Rocko will be mainly pictures.

Party Hard @ New Year's Eve buddies :D

The Change

2010-12-30T09:23:00.000+13:00

Listening to today's morning radio, reminding me that tomorrow is the last day of 2010. I remember when I was setting up this blog at the beginning of the year, I was thinking how the hell am I gonna keep writing stuff for the next, don't know how many months and years. Well, glad to know one year has gone and I am still updating it.

As I already mentioned before, this year has really been a great year - a year of changes. I got into medical school and started a new academic journey. 'Surprisingly' it didn't start out as 'easy' as I expected it to be, in fact, it was tougher. I met some amazing and funny people, some of them I instantly clicked with and become besties. I started picking up guitars and really tried to learn it on my own - although the progress is still painfully slow. I slowly developed an interest in learning Spanish, inspired by my friend Felipe's culture, and encouraged by my other Spanish-speaking friends such as Ainara and Denice. I got a great studentship and work with a bunch of amazing work buddies who care about their community. I set up a wireless internet, got a macbook pro and an iPod - my uni life has become so much easier with all these gadgets. Ground 0 has become my 2nd home, same as Jack and Felipe's homes, lol. Charles has become my teacher and my friend, gave me numerous lessons and of course, arguments.

I also had some the most amazing food in years - Chilean BBQ is on the NO.1. Simply sprinkle salts on top of the ribs, the power of char coal cannot be undermined. Not just the aroma, but the texture and taste blew me away - I had it for more than 3 times this year for Christ's sake. The share lunch we had in the middle of the year, remember Charles' wife-made BBQ wings, super-spongy sponge cake? Lol. I also found that cake shop where we got the cake for Charles' birthday - the cake was amazing! Forgot to mention that on my NO.2 is also from Felipe's family cuisine - the cheddar cheese mussel. When I had it for the first time, that freshness, the juice and the cheese all melted with the mussels in my mouth. Despite the hot steam, I stuffed one after another into feeding my appetite.

There are goods but also bads. At the beginning of the year, I let my awkwardness and nerves got on my way, and so that I lost the opportunity to meet more friends from my class. I also lost several friends, some of them just disappeared all of a sudden, but some were avoided. Remember Tina and her ex/current boyfriend. For some reasons they become really horrible people, at least in my opinions. Some friends I still keep now may not be as close as before. Like that awkwardness talking to your 6-year known friend, it just felt so strange as I expected things came natural for both of us. And more sad, some old friends avoided me, ignored my eye contacts and gestures of saying hi, thinking he's probably the coolest person on Earth. Unacceptable. I mean you and I are really old enough to appreciate what's cool and what's not. And I'm sorry mate, you're not cool at all. You just pretend to be so that you can feel better about yourself. But you need to wake up and put your attention into better things - like passing your papers and getting a job. Because those will make you feel better. I guess when people try to be cool in million different ways, is a sign of losing their confidence and security. Deep down I feel sorry for him, no matter how much he calculates on what goods people can bring to him, he really needs to reflects on what kind of friends he's having now.

But yeah, it's been a great year to me despite some occasional slips and embarrassing moments. I found some real cool friends, and lost some not so cool ones. I continued on my study and moved a step forward in achieving my 'The Ultimate Goal'. Half the things I listed in my 2010 resolutions haven't been achieved, maybe because some of them look quite weird. But I ain't gonna carry them onto 2011, unless I really feel like achieving them. Because from 2010, I learn to follow my heart.

Come to an End

2010-12-26T09:15:00.001+13:00

Christmas celebration has come to an end. Barbecue at Felipe's house was one amazing night, saw all his family and friends gathering around the long table, handing each other food, wearing party hats, talking and giggling, I never feel such family warmth in any other places. Felipe's famiy gave me a Green Day CD for present, it is very thoughtful 'cause I really like Green Day, and that's the only album I don't have. His mother is in Chile now, so she can't be here for the celebration. But it seems Felipe's sorted with his research option so that's good - future neurosurgeon, seriously, I wish I have half of his interests in the human brain.

I slept over the night, the next morning we went to Long Bay. 'Cause we went really early for a spot, we ended up staying for 3 hours before some other family and friends come. It was relaxing, I was concerning about the whether though. It was cloudy until around 2 or 3pm. We went to swim at about the same time, played touch and soccer. Although I didn't do anything at soccer except standing at the goal. Felt defeated at first as I know if I go out there I will mess up the whole game. But anyway, our team won so it didn't matter. But yeah, it was such a fun time.

Funny enough, last night before I slept, I smiled and thought of the images of family laughing at the dinner, people kicking the balls on the beach, etc. Yesterday becomes history, everything becomes memory. I had a surge of nostalgia missing this year's Christmas already.

This is how memorable moments are created, making you smile at the end of the day, and indulged in a taste of nostalgia. This time the difference is, such nostalgia comes too soon.

Merry Christmas :D

2010-12-24T13:30:00.000+13:00

Old Friend of Mine, like a blue rocking chair, Kenny?

2010-12-23T22:22:00.000+13:00

Life is full of co-incidence, you bump into familiar faces, you pick a CD with a title saying exactly how you feel, or you have some déjà vu moment that makes you wonder – ‘Seriously?’.

I am glad an old friend of mine – very long time friend, visited me yesterday. I haven’t seen him for like half a year. The last time I saw him was when we hang out with a German friend of ours back in high school, who paid a brief visit to New Zealand. Wonder how Toby is doing in Germany though, he’s probably ending up being the smartest physics guy I ever know in my life. But anyway, my old friend knocked on the window of my parents’ room, and I went out in shock – a happy surprise. I was so happy because I didn’t know what he’s up to these days in terms of study and work. And so we decided to go to a Japanese restaurant and chatted for quite a while. We even drank a small bottle of Sake. I am so glad that his study seems to be very on track, and he’s doing an internship at our university too. He’s still got several months to finish his internship so that means I probably can find him for coffee during my first semester class breaks.

After the dinner, I went to pick up my mom. I was very crossed ‘cause I waited her for half an hour, parking in a technically non-parking space. I was anxious that my car would get a ticket so I drove to somewhere further to wait. I felt sorry for my mom though ‘cause when she saw me I spoke to her on my tone of voice that was full of resents. We gone back to normal this morning though, so it’s all good now.

Today is the last day of my studentship. We finish early, like 1pm. We then gathered around the tearoom for some glasses of Champagne. Looking at each of these people I work with, I realise all the good things that had happened to me. These are the people you want to hang around with, whether as friends or work mates.

Bruce is right - you invent your future, your confidence, and your life. He also told me not to attach to things though, especially my goals. Because you can learn from failure as much as from success. It’s how we handle the situations that really test us how we look at our lives. After my numerous disasters, maybe I could’ve given up. But I rather keep trying and fail.

Julian Hair Index

2010-12-19T11:15:00.002+13:00

I personally value the freedom of speech and gain a great insights in politics from the release of WikiLeaks. Yet one thing can not escape my attention - Julian's hair. So here's several google images of his hairs with indexes indicating levels of style, lady, and other comments:

Natural
This hair style is one of the most natural of his, nothing seems to make the hair go any other direction, it simply goes with the wind.

Index:
style - 5/5
lady - 5/5
likelihood that he's dating - 5/5

Office
This hair looks more restrictive, conservative and likes to stick around his skull. Maybe some wax will do a good job. The important message is - he's getting serious about something.

Index:

style - 3/5

lady - 4/5 (maybe Asian girls like this hair more??)

likelihood that he's dating - 1/5 (busy at work ya know)

Post-Modern
I never really know what post-modern really means, I use it 'cause for me this hair is something very unique and you won't expect to see it on the streets everyday.

Index:

style - 2/5

lady - 1/5 (there's always some demographics ...)

likelihood that he's dating - 0/5

21st Century

This is more generic than any other hair - the edge, the sides and the spiky. One thing stands out is the color - naturally varying from places to places, from white to grey to dark brown. How did you do it!!

Index:

style - 5/5

lady - 4/5 (1 minus that 1/5 post-modern demographics)

likelihood that he's dating - 5/5

'Celebrity'
He was arrested, the most recent photo taken in Britain. Not so clear, but his hair is short, lost the coloration but it's still very natural.

Index:

style - 5/5

lady - 5/5

likelihood that he's dating - 0/5 (guess with all the attention from the guards, there's not much option)

This is a random picture, nothing to do with what we been talking about. Nice dance move though Julian :D

Life, is a New Direction.

2010-12-19T00:32:00.002+13:00

Maybe thing didn't start so well, academic wise, or personal wise. Letting my nerves get on me was not a strange feeling at all - embarrassed, humiliated, and shameful. I did question myself several times before - is it me? Or is it something else?

Hate being treated like trash, remember that lab technician I worked with last summer. She's probably the most unprofessional person I have ever seen. Seriously, showing up late, real late, and was aware that me as a student can't start any lab work without her presence - according to her 'No.1 rule'. Telling me not to ask her questions and make up my mind about what I want to do, and guess what, I turned around and started my work, she yelled at me for not asking her permission before I did some procedures. She sometimes get very emotional when one of her pets died (several occasions during my studentship, and her pets do have a short life span as they are guinea pigs and chinchilla), and yes I felt sorry for her. But she looked so miserable that no one would want to bother her with more questions, which she repeatedly show no interests in answering them anyway. So I asked myself, what more could I do when I have to work with someone like this?

At first, I felt insulted by her treatment, tolerated but also saddened. At the worst point, I did only 1 procedure in the morning, and she yelled at me for not doing enough, saying:"What the hell are you doing man, you're paid to do this." At that point, I realised that she's not happy not because of me, I constantly tried to follow whatever she said, and ended up receiving back fires - it's her, I know I shouldn't say this, but it - is - her. Regardless of her knowledge of PCR machine, it's her personality, the whole swearing at the work and cursing anything/anyone she could think of just because her family also does so? I think she's got some problems tangled up in her mind. Life could be stressful for her I guess. So I did something that I never imagined myself doing - sucked it up and got it over and done with. At the end, I still got myself humiliated in the presentation, as I mentioned in one of my previous post, which probably wasn't the expected happy ending.

But life is about a new direction. Studying medicine broaden my knowledges on human body, it makes me realise how complicated we are, and how important to become a great doctor. Despite all the biology - the molecules, the DNA, etc. etc., I never forget one of the important reasons I want to do medicine - bring my knowledge to benefiting those who need it. Understanding how things work are important, biomedical researches play a tremendous role in advancing our medical knowledge and the way we base our clinical practice on - the evidence. But as a neglected part in Year II - public health, social justice, and community, community, community were easy to mention, yet also easy to forget.

So I done something I never thought myself would be doing when I was studying Biomedical Science degree - I choose a public health oriented summer studentship this year. I worried that I wouldn't get it because of my lack of public health background. But I did, Prof. Arroll and Dr. Paynter gave me the chance to understand the importance of public health. And I can't thank them more. This project exactly reminds me what it means by 'social responsibility of a health professional' which sadly not reflected on the comments made by people who have interacted with their doctors. Doctors were perceived as grumpy, lack of knowledge and/or manner. I want to fight that for just a second, then I realise I shall not force my opinions onto the others, because myself is also biased. What I can do though is to understand our roles in the community and find ways to make changes in people. Health promotion is great, preventive medicine research is very important. Only when things do work together, legislation and attitudes changes, people will find lives not so miserable after all.

So yeah.... maybe it was not me after all. Despite I still struggle to maximise my work within this short period of time so I can focus on writing my manuscript, I feel more motivated to achieve something for my personal growth, and hopefully for the others. The past? Cautionary Tales maybe.

Most Touching Animal 'Stories' This Year

2010-12-16T00:32:00.003+13:00

As I was browsing through Sohu News site - a China local news website, I found an interesting article about the most touching animal stories of this year. The purpose of listing these images and videos of these animals, is not only about their adorability or impersonating acts, rather is about them being neglected and not receiving the basic respects in the society - in particular, the modern China. Remember that rabbit crushing videos those girls in China posted. I was absolutely furious about these sick thought and behaviour. How could you even think about it, let alone actually doing it?

In a society of competitiveness, social isolation and lack of a sense of community, it really gets on my nerve that we not only lose respects towards other people, but we also lash out our frustrations in other animals or through certain behaviours. I remember seeing a woman absolutely verbally abusive to her dog simply because she doesn't step into her car on her own. I mean you can give her a little push right. But nope, that woman was stubborn as hell and insisted the dog doing it all on her own. Then? She was furious at her dog and tied her up on a pole and drove away for a good 5 minutes before she came back and picked her dog up, and talked to her dog in a calmer tone. Her behaviour was way too extreme in the public, I mean seriously aren't you aware that everyone was looking at you when you yelled at your dog like a absolutely crazy drunk? If dog's human's best friend, what kind of respects are you showing to her?

Sometimes I got frustrated at my family when they asked me to do stuff for them and I was busy with my study and work, especially the stressful period. I may be unaware of it at times, but what I said and did, might be quite hurtful to them. Therefore before I get out into the real world and work as a health professional, I really need to learn how to control my frustration and anger so that others won't be affected. Anyway, enough of blabs, here's some of the stories featured in the news article (click for original untranslated version).

This dog waits for his owner for days without food and drink, after the fire in Shanghai high rise apartment which killed 58 people.

The cat was to be butchered, survived the piercing by the hook, being skinned across the mid belly and back alive, and was adopted by a local resident after she was found alive.

The video below shows a cat was trying to 'wake up' her companion by doing 'CPR'.

It's Our Turn to Shout

2010-12-11T18:53:00.001+13:00

NZ Government's Alcohol Reform Bill is now before the Justice and Electoral Select Committee.

Please make a submission to show the committee that communities are deeply concerned about alcohol-related harms, and want better laws to help change our drinking culture.

Written submissions are due by 18 Februray 2011; by post to Secretariat, Justice and Electoral Committee, Select Committee Office, Parliament Buildings, Wellington 6011 - or online at http://www.parliament.govt.nz.

If you would like to appear before the Committee you will need to include in your written submission a request to make an oral submission.

Help with submission is available at http://www.ourturn2shout.org.nz.

Time to Let Go You

2010-12-03T22:16:00.002+13:00

At first, I felt time started slowing down, with the ongoing studentship work, the friends who went to the beach and swam with me, and the colleagues who exchanged their thoughts and opinions with me.

The student lunch we had this Wednesday at a Mexican Cafe near New Market shops was amazing - the double meat nachos under the mouth-dripping sour cream source, beans and salads. Anna and Bridget are both keen in discussing health and social issues in New Zealand. They both care a lot of what goes on in our society that affect people and communities the most. Kirsty is always the wise one to me. She always gives a neutral view which is not that type of 'neutral' as in indecisive, but to points out the pros and cons of different views. Pei-Wan and I are more quiet than the others, maybe we hadn't come to New Zealand long enough to appreciate the complexity of conflicts between different groups of our society, different believes they hold and different political systems things work under.

Last weekends were real hot, and I know Mr. Sun isn't holding back. I decided to do some outdoors activities with friends. At first I thought Felipe was having a soccer games at Domain. So I went there with Mike in the morning, and stupidly being 'stood-up'. We ended up walking, followed by eating, followed by another walk until we met Yuntian's soccer team - 'the High Tackle'. We decided to celebrate Fisher's farewell by hitting the beach - Brown's Bay at North Shore. I went to swim and so did Jack, Tiff and YT etc. It was so fun, especially when Jack kept dodging Tiff's mud attacks. It was one of the best days I had in years. All I could remember was laughters, food and more laughters.

How many times have I expressed my gratitudes towards my fellow workmates at ASH? Can't figure out right not - in my last blog post, my presentation today, and the ASH Xmas tree adventure yesterday etc. The tree adventure was amazingly fun. I remember more than four years ago I had my Year 13 Geography trip at Muriwai Beach. Our bus drove through the site of tee adventure and I always wanted to try it from the look of it. Course 5 to Course 8 get progressively more straining. Course 9 is the tallest one. I always have a fear of height, and I dreamt of falling from a tall building all the time. Back in China, when I was in primary, my friends and I were standing real close to the edge of a rooftop of a 10 stories high building. Just the thought of myself back there, standing at the edge with nothing stopping me stepping into the air. I never forget how close I was to death. Maybe I wasn't scared back then. When I started fear for everything? Maybe that fall which knocked me out and gave me a brain concussion. It was not what I was thinking though, when I was at the tallest point of Course 9. I was scared, when I waited Pei-Wan to overcome the obstacles, and I had nothing to do except standing there in chilling wind, circulating by annoying flies, and realised how tiny people are when you look down. Then I looked up and told myself that I would do whatever I could to get there - the other side of the Course. I was so glad I did it after all. The dinner was so nice - the prawns, the mussels, and the garlic bread. The white wine was amazing. I drank a lot too - felt quite tipsy at the end. But all of us opened up and shared our stories and whatnots. It was the closest we got to know each other since a couple of weeks ago. The night couldn't go any better when the secret santa presents were opened - firefighters magazine, santa clothes, bikini, and guess what I received - super long UV protecting gloves, the ones many Asian Women drivers use in New Zealand. I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt when I started to wear it - Pei-Wan's, you 'inspires' me as always with a gift like this, LOLs. Overall, yesterday was a day of unforgettable.

The last few weeks have been the highlights of my 2010 - my friends, their laughs, my work, and the people I am working with. Under such positive mental strength of mine, there's one thing I still concerned when I sat there and waited to be called to present the preview of my summer project - the fear that I will screw it up again, the way I did in my ophthalmology one - I looked so pathetic, and saw so many eyes which pitied me just for standing there, sweating, blushing and helplessly gazing into the audiences. My heart beats were as fast as last time. My ears blushed as much as last time. I told myself all the things in the World you tell to calm someone down. Nothing works until I started thinking about yesterday, how I was standing at the top of Course 9 and stepped out to cross the field. All my fear transformed into the physical strength to overcome the net, the 'surfboard' and the 'swinging-logs'. I was called up, held my script, and nervously looking for the slide show button. I was dumb enough that I needed some other students' guidance to start a slide show, yet this didn't make me feel bad - that's what I am - awkward but won't stop trying until I get to the other side. My presentation went much better than I thought. My audiences laughed, when I forgot to say the title of my project and quickly did a rewind, when I showed them a slide of a smoking, drinking and foolish teenager, once who I thought of myself as, and when I stumbled, blurred my speech, and said things like 'we put the menthol in the cigarettes'. But their laughs feel so friendly, so uninvasive. Like they are there to embrace whatever I say, no matter what I say. From today, I would stop thinking myself as a disaster presenter, and try my best to improve my public speaking skills.

Just as I am thinking about all these good things that happened to me recently, I realise my life starts to change, to be better, to be less shitty, and most importantly, to be mine. I feel less controlled by what other people think and judge. I found my passion in working with people from different backgrounds, in trying to make differences in communities. Maybe letting go is good for you, maybe change is not so scary after all. You are still who you are, but what surrounds you will continue helping you grow stronger for whatever coming ahead of you.

The World at This Moment

2010-11-23T23:52:00.001+13:00

As I am reading across major News websites today, sad news follows one and another. Since last friday, Pike River Mine explosion is trapping a total of 29 miners - from 17 to 60s year olds. The rescue team has been doing lots of sampling and is anxious that the elevated level of toxic fumes hinders the rescue process. It is reported just later today that robots are finally sent in, and has found no trace of miners in the refuge area.

This adds another rock upon our hearts as New Zealanders. The psychological distress every one of us, and in particular the miners and their family, has been tremendous. Safety of miners becomes the only word people whisper into their ears everyday. Story after another, each of the Pike River Miners has connected each of us in this country to hope for what's the best for these father, sons and brothers of our.

North Korea opened fire on South Korea near-border Island with artillery. There are a couple of confirmed casualties of South Korea military. This raised the highest military alert in Koreas since the war time. Local residents flee in panic. War and weapons bring fear, trauma, and unhealed 'wounds'. Yet we keep repeating our history and being reluctant to learn anything.

Northern Mexico drug crime is never-before. Murder after another, gun shot killed dozens include local police ministers. No man near. Only a 21 year old newly graduate girl and a housewife are up for the job. Army hasn't helped much, nor the police. Remember the birthday party gun shooting due to murderer mistaken the wrong site? Remember the blood stained decapitated corpse captured by the news reporter? I wonder if local residents hold tremendous fear or are they 'normalised' about it? Or it's not about normal or not normal, rather its about tear and shattered family constantly affecting one and another.

Looking at today's headlines, breaking news and featured story, I know I can't look at the World in the same way anymore. Our World. With consumerism, demoralisation, and lots and lots of politics, each of us cannot get any further from each other. It's sad that death, tear, fear are the only words which bring us slightly closer. And if we still haven't truly waken up and looked at all these people's stories, what's next will be more horrible tragedies that eventually will get to every single one of us.

Photo blog 20/11/2010

2010-11-20T12:23:00.000+13:00

A drink soothes down my throat.

Talking with a friend makes me realise,

the more you want to take control,

the more you get lost in the swirls.

Food is always good,

especially when you haven't eaten any breakfast.

I wasn't sure whether I should buy the electric guitar or not.

It is cool and all,

but it also means less money in my pockets over the summer.

Great dinner,

but it's quieter than last year.

Maybe because of the change in location.

I didn't have much energy left,

after a whole day of work.

Hate it when things didn't progress,

hate it when one year gets worse than another.

But there's a cyclic constant,

as I believe.

It seems my holidays are not holidays at all if they don't involve food.

Especially free food.

I knew what's ahead of me,

I walked through,

and I didn't look back.

120%

2010-11-17T23:07:00.001+13:00

I started my summer studentship this week at ASH (Action on Smoking and Health). My supervisor is currently on holidays. But because of the friendly faces at ASH, I feel very accepted and welcomed. I really appreciate everyone's hard work to reduce burden from cigarette smoking, through health promotion, and research etc. Prof. Arroll told me a couple of weeks ago that I am working in a good team. I cannot agree more.

There are several other students 'Pay' was the first person I talked to at my first day, well technically it was Ben, but 'Pay' took all the credits. She's doing B.Sc/B.Com conjoint, and will be working on usage of social media by tobacco industry. Ben is the director, full of energy and very approachable. He gives me a great introduction of the surroundings and people, which is quite important for my initiation. But his office light bulb is not working today, so hope it's getting fixed soon (reading in the dark is really tiring). Ester is from Macau and does a lot of campaign in reduction in cigarettes smoking. She's also very friendly and apparently really looking after everybody's health by 'prohibiting' spring rolls and deep fried in Yumchar session. Mike is communication manager, because of him, ASH is available in social networks such as facebook and tweeter. This is important because other than influencing government policy as a NGO, ASH is also responsible to be in the community and create a strong anti-smoking network. Boyld is a health promoter. He is full of humour and makes everyone laughs during the meeting. His work is in particular concerned with Maori community. This is because Maori, in particular Maori women, has the highest prevalence of smoking. To reduce such ethnic disparity, efforts are required to focus on specific community (both ethnicity and geography specific). Two Year3 medical students Bridget and Kirsty are also going to work at ASH over the summer. They are really very nice, and talkative. They also told me their experiences of Year3 and what they are gonna do next year for their placements - definitely something for me to look forward to. Chrissie, the admin, she’s super awesome. She’s really talkative and helpful with all the computer stuff. We just changed our email system and calendar system. There’s a bit confusion at the beginning, but Chrissie and Mark, the PC guy, instruct us about the new features. Last but not least, Dr. Janine Paynter, an epidemiologist from Australia. She’s one of the nicest academics I ever met. She’s patient, energetic, funny, open, etc. She’s one of those nice people who you wish you can be as nice as her.

You know how sometimes you wish you meet a rare opportunity which will take you further in your career and personal life, I think this Summer at ASH is going to be one.

Asian Games

2010-11-12T11:57:00.000+13:00

So I realise today is the opening for 16th Asian Games at my home town, Guangzhou. Pity that I never get to see the changes going around the city-scapes. But...if most of those structures are permanent, I can always visit it sometime later, despite I have no plan to make a visit within the next several years. I do miss that place, I have got friends and family there. It's quite a vibrant place too. Walking down for a snack or barbecue at 10pm is not something common at the A-Town. So I guess there are things different in each place, which I'm lucky to have experiences on. So good luck to the games, and good luck to my friends there. :D

Cornwall Breaths

2010-11-10T19:42:00.000+13:00

To begin, to live. To remember my past.

I have a great lunch at Epsom today, it is cheap, and it’s stuffy. I can’t decide where to go after I get full. I have no plan for today, although Jack asks me to go to city. Spending 5 dollars bus pass to go to city with nothing to do? Not something desirable. Plus I promise myself to get away from uni, for as long as I can.

Because it’s 5 minutes from the restaurant to One Tree Hill/Cornwall Park, I come to this place full of history. I even forget the last time I come here, as it’s been so long since then. The freshness of air relaxes my mind. Standing under the trees, I feel surrounded by the nature - nothing architectural.

I walk for like an hour or half. From the entrance to the cafe area. I walk into the Acacia Cottage, where my Year12 History assignment was based on. It was a field trip - starting with the cottage at New Market, then to here. We had lunch here too. I forgot whether the trip happened before or after that incident. But I didn’t have any friend, so when everyone sits together at the shelter near the cafe, I was sitting by myself under the tree. I felt people were staring at me, intermittently during their conversations. Look back at it now, I wish I made friends with them. I mean our class was so small, like less than 20 people max.

It’s so nostalgic for me to come back to this place - I can still remember the faces of my class mates. They are the funniest bunch of people on Earth, although I never understood what they said. They laughed a lot. Somehow I wonder what they are up to now? Are they still friends with each other? Or more likely, they have moved onto their own paths, and met new people. It’s quite amazing that 7 years have gone past, and high school is still felt like something happened yesterday.

My high school life wasn’t glamorous, nor was it fun. It was dull. More dull than now. Yet I miss the days at Penrose (now One Tree Hill College) High. I remember the day to enrol, me and my parents got lost near the motorway junction and not realised it’s still ‘miles’ away from the school, still remember the bakery where I spent most of my Pak’n’save salary on, and remember that Chinese Restaurant where I met up with some friends, the chicken drumsticks from that take-away shops, and most importantly, the bus stop - God! There’s so much history near the bus stop - where everything starts and ends.

Every time I drove past that bus stop, I realise nothing has changed, except the people around. It makes me wonder, when each of us walk past the things once familiar to us, what’s the first thing appear on our mind. Mine is my memory of the ‘heyday’, full of stupidity, and innocence. Laugh at it or not, it was something making me who I am, and something I will always save some memory capacity for (despite the drugs and diseases I have to memorise for good).

The Power of Now? Or the Doubt of Our Future?

2010-11-09T20:17:00.002+13:00

Is there always something you’re wanting so bad, you can’t wait to throw away everything you own for getting it? And if we know we can give a go, are we desperate enough, will we blind ourselves off the burden we may bring to others?

I was talking to a friend, and re-counseling him about his application for medicine. As much of a disappointment, I told him that I’m glad he was clear minded and was sure about what he wanted. If he kept up his passion, he would get what he wanted.

Because sometimes, we’re blinded by our fear, our past failure, and presence too. Faith tells me that we will get what we want as long as we keep trying. But if the power of now triumphs our ability to see through the matters, we are biased to take actions against our own interests. So regardless of doubts about our future, shouldn’t we hesitate for a second and remind ourselves what do we exist for?

Honey Bees

2010-11-08T08:43:00.002+13:00

I know it’s still Spring, but honestly it feels like Summer. The Sun keeps beating down, the sky is clear as, not too hot which is what I expect in Auckland Summer. I mean if I walk out in the park, the breeze soothes your mind instantly.

Surprised to find most of my friends are still doing exams? Not surprised. Considering my timetable finished that early - less than a week since exam started. It’s like all this tension built up during that time got released at once, got relieved at once too.

So I mostly hang out with friends, especially the old friends. But then disappointingly I find that even friends who you expect them to understand your past and presence, judge you sometimes. I mean it’s so obvious what comes out of one end and another. They’re mouthful of joy and jokes, but somehow a couple of slips make you feel like strangling them. Some others even try to avoid you. Not mistaken, there’s intention in everything they say - they want to change you into another person. Everything is an encouragement to do something against your wish. So at times I feel like I have put my trust on narrow-minded people. Like I care about what they think? Their under-development of their mind startles me. I mean aren’t we supposed to be on the same page?

I have lost some friends in the past. I am not blaming them. I mean most of it was my fault. But can’t we get past the history and really grow up? Why some people still have their mind strangled by this boundary, and come to you as fake and pathetic. I mean I tried to approach them friendly and I did the apologizing in the past. Stop acting like losers, start growing up. I mean there’s a certain age - such as 21, being a mark of your maturity. And come on, you’re not that cool, none of us are. Why is it so hard for them to accept that they’re not cool. So yeah, I basically ignore all these people (actually for anonymous purpose I say all these people, but actually there are just a couple them), and pity their narrow-mindedness. If there’s something push me further in my career and my life - it’s gotta be my drive and passion. I pity not seeing those in the people who used to be on the same page as me, despite their attempts to be cool, and change who I am.

Redundant

2010-11-06T22:12:00.002+13:00

One year is faster than another, that's university life. The busier you get, the faster the time passes. I miss the time when future was so distant to me, and all I could do was looking at the surroundings and imagined how things were going to be different from then.

Holidays seem to be a good chance of regaining that feeling of slowness. But as we grow up, there's extra responsibility such as work occupying these months of freedom. But we can also see it as an opportunity, to learn something different, in ways not being restricted by dates and pressure.

If falling into a routine potentially makes time passes slower, why don't we all conform to what we have? But what if you have nothing?

Sometimes what drags me down is the amount of time it takes to get from one place to another - you feel times passes very fast, but the total amount of it is huge. I always have an equation dividing my potential life time by a number, which can be a length of time to do anything. It could be quite depressing sometimes. But that's the only thing you can do - to be patient and keep fighting the slight comfort you get when you fall back into the old and boring routine. Memory is great, and so is the comfort by just think of it, but we're evolutionarily sprinters and hunters, is not moving forward the best way to solve my problems? Probably not.

Green Day - Redundant

2010-11-06T07:38:00.001+13:00

We're living in repetition.
Content in the same old shtick again.
Now the routine's turning to contention,
Like a production line going a over and a over and a over, roller coaster

Now I cannot speak, I lost my voice
Speechless and redundant
'Cause I love you's not enough
I'm lost for words.

Choreographed and lack of passion
Prototypes of what we were
Went full circle 'til I'm nauseous
Taken for granted now
I waste it, faked it, ate it, now i hate it

'Cause I cannot speak, I lost my voice
Speechless and redundant
'Cause I love you's not enough
I'm lost for words.

Now I cannot speak, I lost my voice
I'm speechless and redundant
'Cause I love you's not enough
I'm lost for words.

Now I cannot speak, I lost my voice
I'm speechless and redundant
'Cause I love you's not enough
I'm lost for words.

It’s been a while since I ...

2010-11-03T23:24:00.004+13:00

I wake up and feel good. It’s my last exam of the year. It’s going to be my holidays. I try my best to cram as much as possible, while I am walking to the train station, and crossing the road (hasn’t died from it).

6 years ago, I wore a pair of new Chucks Taylor, hoping to feel different about my life. Today, I am wearing the same shoes again, and hoping I can see some changes in life.

But my life has been different, and I’m grateful for it.

Even if September ends

2010-10-23T23:08:00.001+13:00

Today is such a sunny day. The bus is filled with high school kids. I don’t know what’s the occasion, they seem to know each other even they come from different stops. From the same school maybe?Noise, baby crying and door bell ringing, this is indeed the most crowded Saturday bus I ever encountered in Auckland.

The whole morning I’ve been listening to Greenday’s ‘Wake me up when September ends’. It was one of my favorites all time. The time it came out was the time of Iraqi war, desperation grew in soldiers’ family. September is late summer in Northern Hemisphere, kids start their schools and family start their normal routine after the long holidays. Yet for those families, because of their loved ones were abroad, lives became different.

When I started listening to this song, it was an early Spring in NZ. The end of Winter always brings me hope. The freezing weather, the steamy breaths. My trembling soul in the wind blown evening. Spring has more sun too. Like this year, it’s been raining on and off for 2 month. It’s so depressing to the point that I wanted to dump my study and went away.

After prolonged studying at uni, I went to Felipe’s nephew, Natalie’s son - Maximo’s birthday party. In fact I am still at the party as I’m writing this entry. I am so grateful to have these people around me, they make my life different. The warmth, the crowd, the laughter, and of course, the food. Chilean’s birthday is officially proven to be one of the greatest. Maximo’s and Felipe’s. Glasses of wine, my mind is as relaxing as it could be. I’m throwing my worries away, or hiding from them. But that’s ok, I know I won’t regret. One day I will look back and laugh at my immaturity and stupidity. These are parts of my memory too. Because of you, I acknowledge the ones around me. Because of you, I learn more of myself. Because of you, I learn to grieve. Because of you, I learn to see my future. Because of you, I threw away my past. Because of you, I grow up. These are the things I’m grateful for, regardless of all, regardless of none.

Full moon

2010-10-22T23:15:00.000+13:00

19/10/2010
It’s been a long day, started at 8am. I managed to go to the tutorial this morning (even I was 10 minutes late). I considered myself did a good job. During the time at tutorial, Ken kept ‘waking’ me up, I must look really tired. Apparently many of the SAQs (short answer questions) are from theres tutorial, kind of regret missing two of them during this semester.

Abdal and Rossi (both are our class-representitives) plan to visit Dr. LeGrice, and want to collect some money for a card and a gift. I think it’s very great what they’re planning to do. Because Dr. LeGrice is bored at the hospital, Rossi also wants to ask his permission whether students are allowed to make individual visit. I really admire the efforts Abdal and Rossi make to show our respects to our lecturers (despite our class is one of a few naughty one in the history of medical school).

22/10/2010
I wrote the above passage a couple of days before, but was too lazy to put it up. Today is the last day of semester two, there are many young people drinking (possible smoking weed) at Albert Park. There are also those sitting in a circle, playing game, chatting, or playing sport.

There were original plans for a dinner and a birthday party today. But my eyes are contagious, maybe that’s the last thing the birthday girl wanna have as a present. Kyla is a long-time friend, we know each other from school. I forgot how I met her, through other friends maybe? At the same class maybe? Memory of my high school is too distant to be recalled in any form of details. She’s funny, and so is Amba, Kyla’s best friend. Their friendship is just like mine with Ricky and Helen. It’s been so long that we know each others‘ family. They are friends who I talk to about my past. Sometimes the past is too hard to be brought up, but my trust on them overcome such issue.

As I walk to the bus stop, take a look at the full moon. Last year, this time, it was the last day of my B.Sc at uni. I was not certain at all about my future. But I know there will be changes. Things turned out to be very different. The level 2 friends no longer gather around, since I base myself at grafton. Then I met Charles and his group. I met new classmates and the things I’m studying, not completely different but definitely towards a different direction. So I ask myself, has this year been a good year? What have I done differently from the past, that make me a different person, or bring me some different experience? I guess having been able to do Medicine per se is a huge on my confidence. I felt no longer shit anymore, and have something I can put my focus on. I look at people differently too. Some I give them huge credits for being who they are, but some I retain my resentment. But mostly it’s positive. I guess the thing about seeing things in my own point of view is that, no matter how much differences I depict, I still feel my life is circling around the same world of my own. I wonder if there’s an opportunity to break through?

There’s a time that I sat down near the ‘water-fall‘ and self pitying. Be honest, today is not the best ending for this semester. The only thing I wish for, is that my eyes can get better soon, so that my study pace can be normal again.

Stars

2010-10-19T22:25:00.000+13:00

The last lab isn’t the easiest one. I woke up a bit too early I supposed, my eyes are still puffy, itchy, and dried. I thought it’s going to be self-limited. But it’s been 2 days and I still feel very terrible. I hope it’s not some super infection that will lead to some scarring in my eyes. My fellow lab demonstrator Athena says it could be contagious. I thought of that too yesterday. But under such tight study schedule, my eyes are simply not the most important things right now (or should they be?).

I honestly need some good sleep tonight, for once. Tomorrow I wanna wake up early ad be able to attend the clinical tutorial. It will be different without active engagement of Dr. LeGrice, but it’s better than not attending at all. Somehow I struggled a bit to pull things together: my assignments, my sleeping pattern and my health in general. Calm after the storm, hope this summer I can utilize my free time to hang out more with Helen and Ricky. I feel bad for not spending enough time with them, and feel that I have missed out some chance to catch up on each others’ lives.

As Chris and I were talking about death today, I finally acknowledged the fact that I was grieving for my Aunt who passed away recently. Although we are not close relatives, her story truly upsets me. She resembled my mother in the way of holding on her belief, and that’s what I admire the most. But she was ‘betrayed’, badly by her closest family. She made no complaints but we all know, that she suffers inside-out. Why can’t some people’s lives be simple? Why we all need to suffer in the end, physically and emotionally? After knowing her story I raised more doubts about my ability to truly achieve what I’m aiming for. Do I still have a say in my life? Or is it purely environmental? Sometimes it’s hard to grieve someone you don’t remember how she looks like, but spiritually, I wish she goes to heaven.

As tired as I could be, I’m missing my students in my 106 lab, and the fellow lab demonstrators. Especially Athena who is such a loving lady with a kind smile and a soothing voice. She dealt with numerous difficult problems from the student smartly and she never complaints, not the way I do. Priya, she’s the funny one. She and I always giggle near the bench area. She’s gone to a conference so she didn’t come to our lab today. Sad isn’t it. Elliot, he’s awesome. He always entertains us by setting up some online games so that we all play every time we walk around that computer. One of the most memorizable moments is always how the laboratory prep room ladies growl on those first year students. They honestly got scared hard-out. So yeah, I have to say goodbye to these people I always see every even Tuesday. 106 lab may not be one of the most exciting lab for students, but for me, it is my best lab demo experience, because of those people, who made me laugh, learn besides them, and share our life-stories :D Bye bye 106 people, bye bye my aunt, you’re all my shooting stars.

Endless ride

2010-10-19T08:45:00.001+13:00

We always commit ourselves to do something, yet never achieve it. Like today, I remind myself a million times to catch the bus on time so that I won’t miss the tutorial. Looking at the clock now, and at the traffic, I don’t think I can make it.

The bus is always filled at this time. It’s annoying to me because the girl on my left has a massive shopping bag filling half of my seat, whereas the guy on my right, who’s reading Harry Potter, puts his knee up on the chair and limits my extension. So I’m feeling a bit trapped now.

Somehow I manage to lose my mp3. I am too optimistic and think that I have left it in my car after visiting my dentist. I have a look around before I walk to my bus stop, and can’t find anything. I honestly hope I haven’t left it in my jacket which I put in the washing machine just this morning.

So I decide to go to city to study instead. Maybe with a coffee on my way. I try to tell myself that missing my tutorial gives me more time to go over my lectures, to make myself feel better. As stressful as it can be, I wish the exams finish soon. I need a proper holidays to catch up the novels and drama that I abandoned during this semester.

Platform

2010-10-17T10:48:00.000+13:00

It’s not a good weather, rain drizzling down. I heard that Jay got into Australian medical school. It’s such a great news, that Jay described his experience as ‘shaking, and don’t know what to do’. Well there’s plenty of time for a great dinner, and a farewell party to celebrate such achievement.

Yixin and I went to cafe after we finished our study. He also got into one of the Australian medical schools. He was rather uncertain on what’s lying ahead of him. It happened to me too, those two months after I knew I got into Auckland’s. I feared that I lost motivation since I already got in. ‘Cause I didn’t know anyone in my class, I was also anxious about whether I could make friends etc. So I reassured him that it’s normal to feel uncertain as we’re all trying to get ahead of ourselves. Some uncertainties hold you back, some others push you further. But sadly we don’t know which is which. It all comes down to our instincts.

I’m glad I have found my goals. It’s going to be a long journey. Long enough to live my whole life in New Zealand all over again (although I haven’t been in NZ for that long). It’s funny how some people can’t wait to show their cynicism. They open my eyes, and make me see through who they really are. At least, I’m so glad I didn’t have them as my good friends and put my trust. They deserve no trust. Jealousy or not, it’s not appropriate to say what they say to me, and pretend they know better than anyone else. Deep down they know I am getting there, and they’re not. All I can give them is the slightest of my sympathy. Maybe they still think they’ve found their second best, but I know they’re settling for something that I will never accept for the rest of my life.

More than you know

2010-10-16T10:13:00.003+13:00

Feel like a brand-new person. Under advice from Sahar, I went to Cut-above for a free haircut (by those undergraduates). Although it took triple the amount of time for a normal haircut, I was quite happy that I had one less thing to spend my already limited money on.

I was running late to my last Cardio-resp lecture, the topic of exercise response by Dr. Loiselle. He’s such a funny man. Sarcastic but funny. He also mentioned about Dr. LeGrice. I felt very sorry for his condition. Some people thought it was ironic as he’s a heart expert. But every cario-lecturer came through the door, telling us that 1/3 of us will die from MI (myocardial infarction), there’d be no surprise that people around us will be affected in some ways. Fortunately Dr. LeGrice had angina, not MI.

So after a night of good sleep, I wake up and ask around my friends to eat breakfast with me. But they’re all ‘in-coma’. So I pack my bag and go to uni for an early start of studying. Only 2 more weeks to holidays. I'm amazed how fast this year has been. One side of me feels like I’ve learnt a lot, the other I feel knowing nothing. Terri is sleeping in the bus, despite my attempt to wake her up. So I guess all I have left to do is to write this blog entry. Glad to know Charles is staying late tonight, because every time Charles stays late, we have big feasts.

It is spring of 2010, and the year is coming to an end. Nothing too exciting, nothing too sad. ‘Cause I understand the fact that people come and go. Some may find a better future, some may not. Some may start a new exciting journey, yet some still try to break the cycle. It’s only the ones who move forward, will get what they want. Even there’s no breakthrough, no breakdown, this year has smoothly passed behind my shoulder. What’s left are the great people that i have met, and the great memory that I have made.

Private vs Public, how things should work?

2010-10-13T00:19:00.000+13:00

Today I had a long argument with Charles regarding whether we should send our kids to private or public schools. I suggested that if my own kids are at school age, I prefer letting them go to a good public school rather than a private one. I don't believe that isolated social environment is, overall beneficial to my kids' growth. I certainly do not think having private education will bring much of a difference to one's success, if the confounding factors are taken off the account.

Although some argue that more resources are available to students who attend private schools, and have greater academic achievement. These students tend to come from relatively wealthier families, and being provided adequately in various commodities, not just education alone. They are less likely to have significant financial, social and familial problems which prevent them from achieving high attainments. Their parents may be well-experienced, knowledgable and maintaining social status which will more or less influence their kids' education.

Having said that, teachers do play a key role in our kids' education. Therefore, it seems intuitive that private schools have better teachers because they can afford them. This is again, a universal phenomenon seen in our law system, health care system, and housing system, where private sectors are related to lucrative offers and specific demographics of clients. But this is not an absolute. Health professionals are usually well-trained and well-equiped to serve basic care to the general population. If our health system is privatized, and lucrative for the best possible care for those who can afford it, does it mean our society as a whole will also be healthy and vibrant? I don't believe so. Back to our education system, private schools can afford "better" teachers, and have "better" resources. But ideally an average public school, in fact any public school should be able to provide "resources" for students to achieve excellence, and be equipped adequately for further education. So let's hypothetically say, this holds true to us. Even then there must be some or majority of students achieve below the level of excellence. Does it mean public schools bring less to our children? In fact, I think of it as a normal distribution. As there are many factors influence one's life course, including their family background and individual life experience, some are more critical than the others. If our public system succeeds to provide adequate "resources", the rest should be dependent on all these factors. In fact some believes family values and traditions play important roles. And if we truly believe parents are key to making differences in our kids' future, why we would believe in private education system to make those differences?

Traditionally private education is perceived as optimal education environment. But school life is more than just having teachers with master degree, and full of expensive equipments. The "benefits" from private education may be influenced by other confounding factors. And our public system is not succeeding, as I described above, an ideal public system should be able to bring opportunities for every student to achieve excellence. But there's no guarantee. Life is too complicated to be guaranteed. Either education or health care, as our society is growing every day, these are important components which define our new generation and influence how our society works. They are basic rights and should be universally accessible to people living in this ideal country. These people will be the ones who contribute to our society in different ways. Private schools system seems to work for some, but if only 20000 dollars per year can make a big difference. And if quantity and magnitude are really what we looking for, why we still give credits to a society of multi-culure and of difference. There're those who are more disadvantaged in many different ways. Yet also there're those taking irresponsible actions. Nevertheless public systems should be there, and always be there for everyone, anyone who belongs to this society, and to provide the opportunity for them to achieve elements for having an enjoyable life, if only we value our society as a whole and making some real progress.

Good for a change/Don't tell me to...

2010-10-10T16:36:00.001+13:00

I finally bought a mac book pro, after wanting it for ages! It looks so flash. Honest to God, I wasn't going to touch it when I opened it 'cause I was afraid my hands were too sweaty. And I waited a wee-while before I turned it on - a day or so, with Jack a.k.a the apple man. But I haven't fully transformed into a mac book user yet. I still keep most of my music files and pictures in my old laptop, 'cause I know it takes ages to transfer all these at one go. I am also waiting for Jack to help me installing the software I need for note-taking and assignments writing. It's so difficult when you're a computer illiterate isn't it. I also bought a black case which clap on the outer aluminium shell and a brief case that I can put my mac in it to carry around (for a total of 38NZD from eBay, unbelievable eh!). It will look so cool once my black case clap on 'cause I have been dreaming to have a black laptop.

Think back now, whenever I feel resented by some other people, is when they try to tell me what to do and what not. So here's just what I'm going to tell them as I would do in their faces:"Screw you opinions ;-)"

Life after death

2010-10-09T00:03:00.000+13:00

My distant aunt in Hong Kong, she passed away from cancer. She was the one I mentioned last time, with the multiple metastasis. My other aunts and cousins in NZ immediately flew back to China for funeral arrangement.

If we're all given time frames of how long we're gonna live, how we're gonna spend the remaining time that we have? Co-incidentally one of the tutors we had today is a palliative care specialist. Her positive and cheerful personality contradicts with our expectation of a 'end-of-life' specialist. Yet she points out that palliative care is not focusing on dying, but the living before dying takes place. Symptoms control and psychosocial support are most important skills involved in helping patients and their family to cope. More importantly the way we interact with these patients and their family, can lessen the fear and doubts they have.

Deep down, we all avoid thinking about death, thinking that it won't happen to us, at least not anytime soon. But for these reasons, we're most vulnerable when we're given time frames to live. I can imagine myself looking at my past memory, and try to make sense of it, try to think of my purpose of living when I'm given a time frame. But will I have the gut to look at my 'presence' and say:" this is how I'm gonna achieve the most out of what I have."? Therefore what end-of-life patients need, is a bit of a push, to think what they have been inhibited to do so psychologically, and may act upon it.

Sadly we won't know the after-life. The memory will be gone with our dying flesh. All the regrets and resentment too. Maybe we all wish our heart is more than just a pump. Wish it contains our soul and emotion. Wherever it goes. If there's anything I would like to hold onto, it will be those people I love. Connecting with them.

106 Lab

2010-10-05T22:09:00.000+13:00

Today's 106 lab was so bad, was an absolute mess. The pre-programmed excel didn't work for some students. Most of them have to delete a column of 'y' so that there is no best-fit. Yet some asked me whether they need to include a trend line for data points. I was not sure and told them if they are desperate, they can hand-draw them. The worst is the online quiz. Because of the touch screen sensitivity, some studentships double-press and skip the questions, hence can't go back and lose marks. If we're told about the system, and how it may fail, at least we could tell them before-hand.

Light which guided me once

2010-10-03T20:29:00.001+13:00

It's 6 in the morning, and...

2010-10-03T08:32:00.001+13:00

Still feeling a bit of headache, 'cause I wake up at 6am this morning. No wonder the sky is dark as if it's still nighttime. I drive to uni today. Remember that I don't have my bus card with me. Bus card is lost along with my wallet. Still uncertain whether I will find it. All I can do is to sit and wait.

The reason I wake up so early it's because my phone has fast forwarded for an hour by itself. I set up the alarm to be 7am. Although I slept relatively early last night - at 11pm. Yesterday was a good day. I went to my supervisor's clinic and saw some interesting patients. Some of the their stories could only be seen on TV otherwise. It gave me a 'taste' of continuity too. Some patients had come to the same clinic for 10 years or so. It does make a difference. It does get better after all.

It's been 2 and a half hour since I wake up, I still feel a bit 'not-there' and not ready to start doing any work. Tomorrow is the group presentation day. Then days after that will be exam. And straight after that my studentship begins. And days and days I will find what I want, and achieve what I have been fighting to do so.

No Starry Night

2010-10-02T00:30:00.000+13:00

Funny how I lost my wallet again, still having no idea how and where I lost it. I had a friend's birthday to go, yet I had to go back to uni trying to find my wallet. It was so nice of Denice though, as she dropped me at uni and picked me up again after my failed attempt to find my wallet.

But it wasn't a disaster overall. Our group project for post-mortem presentation finally got on tract. But still lots of work to do. Many friends of mine have been noticed about my sky-rocketing stress lately. Cam was the first to point out and I was like, damn you're so right. Denice thinks the loss of my wallet is a direct result of my stres. So i guess what I need right now is a good rest. Although also means I can't stay too long at the party of Jenny's. But HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNY! :D

Congrats :D

2010-09-28T23:59:00.000+13:00

Yuntian Liu
B.Sc (Biomedical Science)

Tiffany Chien
B.Sc (Biomedical Science)

Mid-Autumn Night

2010-09-22T22:47:00.001+12:00

Today is Mid-Autumn Festival, also a day of family union. Sadly my brother and his family are in China, and my dad is busy. My aunt asks us to dine out with her. So we tag along her family. The restaurant is called Sunny Town. It is hell busy like every other Chinese restaurant. My aunt chooses this place 'cause it's usually quiet at night, so there is no need to make a booking.

The restaurant is quite full. My mom says all the other people who are not bothered to make bookings choose this place. There are only 3 staffs. They are busy like in hell. We wait the 1st dish for 1 hour. another hour before the others. The rice is cold by the time the 2nd dish is served. The taste is so-so. A bug is found in a dish, and wrong vegetable is used in another dish. I already give up at the end, reject the wrong dish and keep being self-pitied.

The moon cakes save my night a little. It differs from the traditional moon cakes we used to have, which were rich and stuffy. The one we have tonight is ICY! It's like ice-cream but more firm. There's no cream, so it's not too oily. It's mango flavour with duck-egg in the middle. It is one of the most tasty things in my life time. Well that is a bit exaggerated. But its taste is amazing.

A little story before my dinner starts, I was driving my mom and stepdad to the restaurant. I asked my stepdad if he made any call to his family in China. My mom interrupted me by telling me that his brother-in-law died in March this year, and he was only recently informed. The timing of his death was not long after his wife, who was also my stepdad's sister died. I am not sure the cause of death of his sister, his only blood-related family at his generation. His brother-in-law died from heart failure or heart attach depends on how I translate my mom's information. But either way had not taken away any sorriness I felt towards my stepdad. I mean he is so healthy and strong. Yet he knows for his age, death is a matter of sooner or later. All I could do is just give him a hug and a pat on his back. But I doubt that would bring much councilling to his loss.

I also want to apologize to the waitress and waiter whom I am grumpy towards tonight. I know it's a day of family union, yet they sacrifice it for work. At a night of full moon, a night of warm 'mid-auntumn', some of us manage to get together and take off the 'baggages' behind, chat about our recent work/study lives and have some warm food. Some others separate from their family, may be working, studying, and sacrificing for others. It's sad that Mid-Autumn Fest, thousands-year tradition, is a wake up call to those who have gained, and to those who have lost.

GERD

2010-09-21T23:05:00.000+12:00

I think I have GERD (gastro-esophageal reflux disease). I felt heartburn several times a day. Most severe one usually the morning. This morning I woke up at 3, and felt some stomach contents refluxed into my upper digestive tract, towards my mouth. I can't do much as I had no GERD drug in my cabinet. My stepdad used to have them. What I worry the most is that once I start on GERD treatment, it is going to be long term. I never think I am healthily healthy, but never expect myself to be unhealthy either.

Life is life, and kind is kind.
- Jack Kerouac

Freedom is a State of Mind

2010-09-18T20:03:00.001+12:00

How many 18's you have in a lifetime? One. And how many opportunities you felt like you had been missing? A lot. It surprised me how crazy those teenagers could be nowadays. I am not saying it's bad, which otherwise I call it madness. It's the type of craziness when you have the guts to do what you want, even things that are really out-there.

I remembered that time when I saw a bunch of high-schoolers in cosplay costumes at Albert Park. They didn't care if bystanders stared at them. They stood in circle around the fountain and were playing some games that I didn't understand. Some of the costumes were quite crazy: bunnies, fighters, etc. They were quite colorful too, as colors were hard to find at Uni nowadays. Like those punk kids or semi-punk kids we saw yesterday at BK. They walked like they were drunk, they yelled like no ones could hear. Their laughters were loud too, which always made you wonder what on Earth could be that funny.

So I said to my friends:" I'm quite jealous of those teens who can do whatever they want." But my friend, Chris replied:" Freedom is a state of mind." And it hit me that freedom is abstract and not defined by boundaries. I may use those teenagers' behaviours to distinct freedoms simply because I know I won't do the same things. On one hand I may expect less freedom as I grow up. Yet such restriction is not true for every single aspects. Such as freedom from my parents to make my own decisions. Therefore I begin to think that maybe life is a mix of restriction and freedoms. Sometimes my time is limited because of study, but the way I can utilise my free time can be my way of expressing my freedom. So it all comes down to my level of energy to accomplish things. Should I join the uni gym to elevate my CO (cardiac output)?? 'Cause I feel tired all the time. Plus exercise does make you get better marks, a Harvard Med Schoold research shows.

Dying Heart

2010-09-10T17:25:00.003+12:00

Dying is going to take place, somewhere once familiar to me. She's my aunt's older sister, so she's my aunt in a way. I never met her, or I have met her when I was little. Too much memory lost since I fell from the rooftop. I couldn't recall how it happened. I sometimes imagined an electrical stingy sensation crossing my arm, and lost control. The only thing I remembered was the bump on the back of my head, which took weeks to damp down. My claustrophobia disappeared at that instance of memory loss, therefore MRI was successfully done.

But no time and technology is going to save her from the aggressiveness of cancer. Cells changed their normal routine and started to grow out of control several years ago. She went through surgery, and thought things were controlled. Years later pain appeared everywhere. She thought it was no big deal. A fall, just like the fall I experienced, rendered her unable to walk. X-ray showed metastasis in her brain, liver and bones. What can we do? Several months before the end of her life, the doctor says.

Her heart is starting to fail, congest and weaken. I cannot imagine the agony of such process. She's a nice person, as my mom and other aunts say. Few descent persons I have met. Therefore the sorriness of mine is more than the strangeness I felt.

Remembering the first time I saw a dead body - Winter, and I was 7. He must have been homeless throughout the season. His face was purple and his body was wrapped around by cardboard and dirty jacket. I stepped up closer to see the purples of his face, so unnatural and frightening. I didn't think anybody would care, 'cause he's no longer in anybody's way. Silently protesting but no one could hear his voice.

How about the time a motorcyclist got hit by a wagon, both driver and passenger were lying on the road outside my mom's company. The helmet lied not too far away. Their bodies were twisted in strange fashions. So unnatural and frightening. But this time I saw many people surrounded them, discussing whatnot.

Sometimes dying people are as frightening as the livings. It was my 3rd year at primary, school started quite early. I woke up and packed my breakfast prepared by my mom. Walking with friends and taking the same bus was one of my favourite childhood memories, except that day. Just not far outside our residential apartment, a guy was covered in blood and was lying on top broken glasses. He gave out some strange moaning noise as we walked past. He tried to move, yet he couldn't. I guessed it was so painful that all he could do was moaning. He fell from the building, probably like the way I fell from the rooftop.

Sad it happened to young people too, I mean teenagers especially. I finally got to attend Junior High, not far from my primary. It was such a fun time. Yet one morning, one student who boarded at an apartment next to my school committed suicide, jumped off the building in naked. Since then I realised death was not an answer to anything. How humiliating being looked at and in naked, lying there, or even being judged by some others. This is not how I want to end things.

So I fell once, yet my heart has not died. Because I can see hope in human, in myself. Thinking of my dying aunt and all those people that I mentioned here, made me realise how precious time and life is. There are disappointing moments and things that have happened but I still remember what my Year 13 Physics Teacher said to me - "if you can't do anything about it, just ignore it. i mean life still goes on right." Life should be more meaningful than worrying about 1 or 2 things that don't worth the time and emotions that I 'invested'. So tomorrow, I am spending some time with my stepdad and going to my friend's birthday lunch, and make every minute with them pay off the brokenness I once felt.

Just Whatever

2010-09-10T00:23:00.000+12:00

Rev. Terry Jones, pastor of a Florida church claimed Islam is religion of the devil, and called for International Burn a Koran Day at 9-11 anniversary this year. Such call has resulted in days of protests across the Islamic world. American army leaders, government generals condemned Jones' irresponsible act which may put foreign American soldiers in danger.

A friend of mine was really upset about it as she's Islamic. Jones' call is irresponsible and insensitive. In a country of free speach, people's opinions count. Yet similar to what happened in Auckland several weeks ago, a man protested with racist comment against Chinese. Some people unfortunately exploit their rights to hurt other people's feelings, even this may not be their primary purpose.

Regardless of what Jones' purpose is, for his own personal yet selfish opinion, for his ego-centric nature and desire for public attention, his right of freedom of speech revealed a fundamental conflict between two religions, or worse accelerated it. This is a good reminder for American and Islamic public that personal hatred is not allowed even argument exists. Because religion and believes exist in heart, not mouth.

Like You'll Never See Me Again

2010-09-07T01:19:00.002+12:00

Currently I relist this title by Alicia Keys into my mp3. The last time I listened to this song was probably 2 years ago when it just came out as her second single. At first I didn't really get caught up by it, as its melody was not mainstream enough for a 20-year-old. But after I watched the music video, I was deeply impressed. The song had a storyline of life and death of a couple. Its setting was in New York. I couldn't remember but it might involve some gun shooting, and Alicia singing near the harbour. But anyway, the MTV was great, and I liked the song since then.

I relist it recently for some unknown reasons. Maybe 'cause I am watching Mercy which is set in Jersey City opposite the great Manhattan. This reminds me of the scene of her singing near the harbour, looking across the skyline. Maybe 'cause in Mercy, many of characters face life and death. With sympathy and gratitude, the city doesn't seem as cold as its concrete is telling. This is what I am looking for, some hidden emotion that can save people's souls.

Although I have been told it is quite difficult for IMG (international medical graduate) to gain a residency (let alone a desired residency) in States. All those percentages and figures hold me back a bit. My confidence is shaken. It's a big investment, especially for someone like me who has nothing to put my bet on. I realise I am always looking for guarantee and safety net.

Yet such searching for security may be my obstacle. Like my other friends tell me, if I never try, I will definitely fail. At least I still have time to prepare, I tell myself. Yet without a certain direction on what specific branch of the profession I want to take part in, puzzles my ability to make a clear decision on how I prepare for the next chapter of my life. I may end up doing the basic exam and get lost in the middle, and realise I waste so much money for going nowhere.

So I have to find out, what I am really passionate about, what I am really afraid of losing, and what can I do to overcome my fear. It's a huge investment, but it's my dream. Financially it makes things worse, and if it's just for money why wouldn't I stay here or go to Australia? But it's a dream that I have since I was 13. I have a picture of my life, and it's going to be great. This is what I should believe instead of some erratic fear of nothing or little something. Because if I have nothing right now, I will have nothing to lose then.

Thanks to Jay, Felipe, and Charles and Tiffany for the encouragement.

There's gotta be a way

2010-09-03T14:27:00.000+12:00

No power for nothing. Kitchen, bathroom, etc. My step dad was describing his daily routine as he did in every other day. Not surprisingly, he thought there was a power cut. Yet the lights were still on. He said my cousin came this afternoon for whatever reason he didn't know about, and helped turned the lights back on. But no shower though, that meant I would stink til the next morning.

In his daily routine, he complaints there's too much for him to worry about, and to do. He looks after everyone in the house, and the ones haven't yet settled in this country. It is his biggest dream, to reunite with his birth son from China. Every time the sorriness I feel never gets less, especially when I stop doing what I'm doing and listen to him attentively. He's the greatest stepfather you can ask for. Sometimes I even wonder why do I study medicine, which takes so long before I start working. Maybe things will get easier for us if I find a full time job and settle down. I mean he's quite old, and by the time I can provide, it may get too late. It is just not fair how one's life can be full of hard work but no outcomes, or late outcomes.

I dream of what I will be doing with my skills every day. I can't wait to explore the unlimited land of uncertainty. To get closer to that land, I decide to study for USMLE. Sadly, that means it will take even longer before I settle down, and to provide. The way they never put pressure on me, and conversely encourage me to act upon my dream, sometimes make me feel even more guilty. Remember the last time I shed my tears after a trip in hospital and saw my mother in pain after multiple lumbar punctures by inexperienced doctors. Remember the times they are disappointed by reality of life and ugliness of some close relatives and friends. My sorriness for them never get less as I know them better through time.

I kept playing the same scene for times.
~ 'I thought you were dead.'
~ 'I thought so too.'
~ 'Were you there?'
~ 'It was bad.'

Maybe the hospital doesn't have to be flash and high-tech. It may situate in one doggy district yet that's where all the actions are. Who says life is good. Life is not good for many others. So why should I complaint when I still have a chance to make a change. This pushes me further in my decision. I start collecting resources and no matter how long it takes, how much work on top of uni, I need to get there and uncover what's uncertain ahead of me. Gotta find myself a way around it.

Back to Mainstream

2010-08-30T22:32:00.001+12:00

I am waiting till the time runs out. I am quite relaxed at the moment, and doing about 4 or 5 lectures a day. But I also realise there are 80 to go before I am ready for my tests first week back. Speeding up? Probably not til the tension build up near the last week of holidays.

Manila hostage incident shocked me. Not only because of the fact that it was a total tragedy, but also the mistakes local police made, or shall I still call them the S.W.A.T team within quotation marks.

Be honest, I don't have much confidence in NZ police either. I am not talking about major hostage taking like Manila incident. I am referring to the inefficiency across the board. My friend got beaten up at the mall, and all they cared was whether my friend had done any provocative acts against them, even he told them he did none. Hours of delay of course. So let alone general thievery, even with murder case like that little girl's body hidden in the house they have been searching for days, how would I have much confidence in them.

Is it why they need to be armed. Wait a sec, that's something different. It is concerning of police own safety. Well, I mean, fair enough. It is a high risk job. Regardless of reference to U.K, Aussie, or U.S, the whole argument is on and on about various scenarios. But isn't that always possible that things will go wrong? Isn't what we try to do everyday is to minimise such chance but we never say never to shit that happens sometimes. I think I am a bit biased. Only experienced ones deserve a gun. I don't trust them in general, so why would I trust a newbie. Of course our police is not that bad, and I know probably because of all those stories I heard, I am not in the best position to say what should be done. Or maybe I always regard police is constantly under hormonal effects. Anyway, how about alternatives such as tasers? Do they still do those?

Inspiration 120% - Be thankful, dream big, and never give up

2010-08-29T19:13:00.000+12:00

Just a Dream

2010-08-29T09:56:00.000+12:00

Just A Dream - Nelly

i was thinkin about her
i'm thinkin about me
i'm thinkin about us
where we gunna be
open my eyes...
and it was only just a dream

so i travel back down that road
wish you come back
no one knows
and i realize, it was only just a dream

i was at the top
now its like i'm in the basement
number 1 spot
now shes finding a replacement
i swear now i cant take it
knowing somebodys got my baby

now you wait around, baby i cant think
i should put it down, shoulda got that ring
cuz i can still feel it in the air
see your pretty face
run my fingers through her hair

my love
my life
my shorty
my wife
she left me, i'm tight
cuz i knew that it just aint right

i was thinkin about her
i'm thinkin about me
i'm thinkin about us
where we gunna be
open my eyes...
and it was only just a dream

so i travel back down that road
wish you come back
no one knows
and i realize, it was only just a dream

and i be ridin
and i swear i see your face and every time
i try to get my usher on but i cant let it burn
and i just hope that she notice she the only one i yearn for
no more sooner will i learn

didn't give her all my love
i guess now i got my payback
now i'm in the club thinking all about my baby
http://www.elyricsworld.com/just_a_dream_lyrics_nelly.html
hey
she was so easy to love
but wait, i guess taht love wasnt enough
i'm goin through it every time that i'm alone
now i'm wishing she would just pick up the phone
but she made a decision that she wanted to move on
cuz i was wrong

i was thinkin about her
i'm thinkin about me
i'm thinkin about us
where we gunna be
open my eyes...
and it was only just a dream

so i travel back down that road
wish you come back
no one knows
and i realize, it was only just a dream

if you ever loved somebody put your hands up x2
and now theyre gone and you wish you could give them everything (x2)

i was thinkin about her
i'm thinkin about me
i'm thinkin about us
where we gunna be
open my eyes...
and it was only just a dream

so i travel back down that road
wish you come back
no one knows
and i realize, it was only just a dream

The Sun Comes Out For You

2010-08-28T11:37:00.000+12:00

It's been raining for days and weeks. My slip-in shoes are soaked every day I come home. My umbrella resembles semi-wet blue cauliflower stuffed in my bag. I used to dislike the sun, because of the heat, and of the sweaty and oily feeling it induced. Now I miss it. And think back, it was not the sun that gave me the agitating sweat, it was me rushing around like a lost child. If I walk slower, and sit down for a break, the sun makes me feel surrounded and warm.

Or is it the season that changes gradually that I forget how long I have been missing the sun? So when you wanted it, you did not realise how much you would miss it if it gone away. All I see is the rainy and foggy landscape 7am from the wind-blown bus-stop. Maybe I just keep looking at the distant town centre for a trace of coming bus, a coming and going rush. But the reality is that nothing can fill my soul like the warmth the sun gave me once. May the sun comes out for you.

Waking Up

2010-08-23T23:12:00.000+12:00

Woke up at 7, slept in till 8. So I left home at quarter to. Arrived at 20 past. 15 minutes after lecture started. My punctuality was not impressive. At least the sun came out for me. At least the test went through without being a major disaster. I was not surprised anymore, when I could not understand the pharmacology questions concerning with a lecture given 2 hours before the test. That was to prevent most people getting good marks. I was not stressed out about it, 'cause it was only 7%.

Message and Power of our mind, Lovable and Unlovable

2010-08-21T16:24:00.001+12:00

One thing I experience in primary care is mental state of patients. This is said to be neglected in hospital patient care. Anxiety, depression, and others. Things tend to cluster together too, just like the way life problems do.

No one really knows how it starts, but it must start somewhere. Finding the cause is not so obvious. Patients need to be open-minded and honest to their physicians. It will be good to have some guidelines and methods, such as the ones Prof. Arroll uses for his patients.

I am quite amazed though. Things like mental health is always neglected yet their impacts on patients' well-being last much longer than most acute illnesses.

Do we hear a little voice in our head telling us what to do, and what not to do? Do we have written message on our forehead that others except ourselves can read? I am sure I have got plenty. Yet I never pay attention to any of them. They act like bad cycles, one transits to another. Therefore at times when I feel helpless and unlovable, but not realize about these messages. They inevitably lead to whatever have happened to me, not because God is extra mean to particular someones, but because at times your life is being taken over by the negative power of your mind.

Prof. Arroll inspires me once again, unsurprisingly. This is a golden opportunity. Not only about patients but also my own well-beiong. He is indeed teaching me how to be a competent physician without much compromising your personal life. Even the real problem is not medicine itself, but of the things I keep complaining about in my blog. It is a wake up call. As I have kept all the bits and pieces Prof. Arroll printed out for me to learn, I am tempted to be a patient for a change, going through all the questions and raise some self awareness. Nothing is too late.

GP visit

2010-08-17T22:16:00.000+12:00

Many regard this is the only clinical opportunity, some rather think it is simply something outside classroom. Although I still wonder how it relates with principle of medicine, rather it is more of communication and consultation skills. It made me realised medicine is a psychological science. Away from hospital, the focus will be on care rather than cure, and reminded by the GP, this is something many people forget when they go into hospital practice. Nevertheless, it is the setting, not the professionals themselves. Limited time, resources, and lots of patients to see render modern hospital staff frustrated. Even in nowadays GP setting, 15 minutes consultation is the gold standard timing, and is expected to be less in the hospital setting.

It was a valuable experience. Made me realised what might be getting me. When I saw some patients, I automatically associated them with some other people I knew. I don't know why did I do that, it is a problem. Because it makes me over-sympathise towards the patients, and reminds me of people that I want to erase in my memory. So half way through the consultation, I need to take my mind off through focusing on other things. Maybe I also relate them with myself too. Imagining myself in 30 years - will I be all alone? Will I find da one? Or will I be wrecked by my personal life? Because what's making me hanging around is the idea that things will be different, after 2 years, 5 years or even 10 years, things will not be the same as today. Yet after all these days, things seem to get worse, or at least stay the same. There was that one fraction of seconds that my confidence was shaken, and so was my belief. I gave myself a warning - that I have to get back up. The whole world is moving on, and I can't just stay the same, for better or worse I have to start focusing on what I should be focusing - the future rather than now.

Goodbye Brielle

2010-08-16T21:13:00.001+12:00

'Brielle' by Sky Sailing
There's a handwritten note pressed in the door of her screened in porch
And I am sailing away recalling that day miles from shore
She was still wearing white and robings egg blue, Her grandmother's dress
When I left home early this year, how I wound up here is anyone's guess
When the new sites grow old and I start to feel cold I'll sail home again

Goodbye Brielle
Only seasons can tell
Of the sweet dreams that we knew so well
I'll see you around our dear ocean town
The frozen days we set ablaze
Sent me drifting away
Like a butterfly, I floated by and now I'm alone
I wish I knew when I'll be back again
So until then I wish you well
My dear Brielle

Skipping over the sand, cobblestone paths that wind through the trees
Breathing the sweet ocean air makes a shy boy aware that he could be free
When the new sites grow old and I start to feel cold I'll sail home again

Goodbye Brielle
Only seasons can tell
Of the sweet dreams that we knew so well
I'll see you around our dear ocean town
The frozen days we set ablaze
Sent me drifting away
Like a butterfly, I floated by and now I'm alone
I wish I knew when I'll be back again
So until then I wish you well
So until then I wish you well
For the time being farewell

My dear Brielle

The house that built me

2010-08-12T22:07:00.000+12:00

There's always a place like this. A place has a balcony with a rocking chair that I slept in under the sun. A place which is a concrete garden for my beloved pet Bobby, but never a place he died at. A place that was so old that it was demolished before I turned 7.

A place where every good happened, my family was not shattered by others' bitterness and greediness, my only blood-related grandparent was still alive, yet I kept fighting him for the TV remote, I was deeply regreted in his funeral, seeing my parents crying their hearts out. My nanny who pretty much got bullied by me since the age of 4. And the stairs, I could never forget the stairs. I tripped and rolled down the stairs. I was all good though. Some bruices for several days.

Lots of kindergarden or primary school friends lived near this place. The Chinese New Year carnival at my mom's workplace, and the Happy Meal that came with such occasion. I still go to Maccas but the joy I once had no long exist. It was seeing my friends that excited me the most. Seeing how well or bad they played in each games. Jealous of the rewards some of them had, which I never had. The carnival was like running in a circle. Sometimes I came back to where I once stood, just to revisit my favourite games.

I wasn't even aware how we moved. There was no memory of big truck moving furnitures, there was no familiar faces in my neighbourhood. It was one of those moments, that once you got there, you realised you were there. Subsequent years things change, my dad fell into a deep hole of reality, my mom immigrated, my brother started his early adolescence night life (or to continue his early teenage one), my pet's corpse might be well served in heaven. I felt lonely at times, and started to strand onto the roof of the apartment complex. I fell too, lost my memory for days and came back with a sore head.

It was the house that built me, and another that destroyed me. Since then, life seemed to be a circle, not the one at the carnival, but rather a tiring and non-ending circle that I kept encountering the same problems and disappointment. Sometimes I wish I could tell myself that, afterall, I am more empowered to make my own decisions, regardless what it looks like to the others. But sometimes you just wonder how long taken to see the light at the end of a tunnel, a lifetime maybe.

Summer Sorted

2010-08-11T22:04:00.000+12:00

Just as I was full of doubts and anxieties regarding whether I would get an offer of summer studentship, I headed towards the ASH for an interview.

It was Wednesday, the worst day of my timetable. After 7 hours of class, I was really tired. I was in the computer lab, looking into blank screen, and had an idea that I might not be able to get a studentship under such intense competition. Even if I try, doesn't mean I will get it. I told Angela about it, she said I was too pessimistic. Well, there's never been much optimism in me, especially in a Wednesday afternoon.But after a good 15 minutes mental struggle, I tossed the rest of my limbs to ASH in New Market with Caroline, my HELD study partner (as she was walking the same way home).

It wasn't just in New Market, but some road under the bridge. It might be an extra 5 minutes walking but I didn't know. I asked a group of construction workers, they pointed the opposite end. As I ran toward the wrong direction, one of them yelled that they were wrong. So I ran to the other direction.

I wasn't late though. I was just on time. As Prof. Arroll was walking out from a room. I couldn't stop breathing in an excessive pace and gulps, even throughout the interview. I tried hard to listen to what they said and asked, yet I knew my brain was not taking over, nor was its metabolism. I walked out in slight defeat.

At night, around don't know what time was it... I received a call from supervisor of the project, told me that I got the offer. I was both surprised and happy. And thought, maybe sometimes you just have to try and see what happened, because if you don't try, nothing will happen.